Friday, August 29, 2014

The Top 10 George Costanza Lies





"And you wanna be my latex salesman"






“The thing is, I’ve been living a lie.” Gary Fogel.

Just one? I’m livin’ like 20,” George Costanza.





Editor's Note - If you are viewing this on a mobile device the embedded clips from the show will not display, but they are hyperlinked in for each lie. Also, wow! YouTube is probably top 5 invention all time.

Alex Riley: From the occasional casual viewer, to the obsessed Seinfeld aficionados, it is well known to many that George Costanza has lived his life as a prolific liar. My friends and I fall into the latter category. This past Memorial Day Weekend we went as far as delivering PowerPoint presentations on our top 10 episodes of all time. Try coming up with your top 10 Seinfeld eps, that’s no easy task. It’s like having 180 kids and trying to tell somebody who your favorite is. So with this knowledge and Seinfeld prowess in mind, those same friends and I have decided to put together another top 10 list. 

This time we present to you: The Top 10 George Costanza Lies of All-Time.

I’ll kick things off…

The Race - 6th Season, Episode 10

Setting the scene: Jerry’s legend for being the fastest kid in school has grown to epic proportions after winning a race in high school, and he needs George to corroborate his story that he did not break early at the start of the race. The boss of the woman Jerry is dating went to high school with Jerry and insists Jerry cheated in order to win the race. In an effort to make him believe, Jerry and George stage a fake meeting in the coffee shop and act as if they haven’t seen each other in 20 years. The lies from George start flying from there. He, of course, explains that he is now an architect and mentions that he did the new addition to the Guggenheim. "It really didn't take that long either." He goes on to also reveal that he lost his virginity the day of the big race to "Miss Stafford, the voluptuous homeroom teacher." My god, what a brilliant liar!

The lie: “I guess I started losing it when I was 28, right about the time I made my first million. It’s true what they say, the first million is the hardest.”




The Wizard - Season 9, Episode 15

Setting the scene: Afer his fiancee, Susan Ross, dies (from the toxic glue found on her cheap wedding invitations that George stooped to paying for), a foundation is established in her name and there is an event her parents invite George to attend. Not wanting to go, George tells several elaborate lies to the parents of his deceased fiancée starting with the 'fact' that he cannot attend the event because he will be at his house in the Hamptons. He goes as far as to tell them he has two horses named Snoopy and Prickly Pete. The Ross’s know he is lying and want to get the better of him. Thinking they'd never take him up on his offer, George invites them out to his place in the Hamptons. Much to his chagrin the Ross's take him right up on the offer and show up at his apartment for the long ride out to this non-existent beach home. George asks them if they really want to go through with the trip to his place in the Hamptons.

The lie: “Speak now or we are going to the Hamptons.. You wanna get nuts?!? Let’s  get nuts!!”





Andrew Eisenhart: Let's be honest, no one likes liars. They frustrate us on all levels, whether your relationship with the liar is serious or as easy-going as a distant work colleague, they don't fit into the mold of our society. That said, we all can really enjoy a lie that is comedic and there hasn't been a more humorous liar on television than Seinfeld's George Costanza. George is a pathological liar throughout the series. The irony of this is that one of his famous lines is about living in a society in a civilized way. How does lying fit into that? Who cares!


The Marine Biologist - Season 5, Episode 14 

Setting The Scene: While George's entire life is a lie, you can't help but feel for the guy when his best friend Jerry makes up a lie on his behalf. During an ATM visit, Jerry runs into an old college friend who asks about George. Jerry tells the "it" girl from their college days that George has become a Marine Biologist and is quite successful. George becomes uncomfortable with this made up lie claiming "he knows what he's capable of" as he prefers lying about being an architect.

The Lie: "Is anyone here a marine biologist?"




The IQ Test - Season 3, Episode 7 

Setting The Scene: Monica, George's girlfriend, administers IQ tests for her education course. Monica asks George to take the test and George, worried that she won't be impressed with his score, concocts a plan to have Elaine take the test for him. Monica's apartment has a first floor window that is accessible to the street, making it easy for Elaine to take the test then return it to George in the allotted time. Elaine has a hard time concentrating at Babu Bhatt's Dream Cafe, where she is taking the test. She returns it to George and this ensues. No pre-mediation, no pre-thought, just brilliant lying on the spot.

The Lie:   "How Am I Going To Explain This?"





Bob Bolenius:

The Non-Fat Yogurt - Season 5, Episode 7

Setting The SceneGeorge and Jerry are hanging out at the non-fat yogurt place admiring the delicious, seemingly non-fat frozen yogurt. In walks Lloyd Braun, who is a childhood neighbor of Georgey Boy's and now a big time advisor to Mayor Dinkins. "He thinks he's so cool," we learn via George. Much to George's dismay, Lloyd recognizes him and initiates conversation, hilarity ensues. Lloyd tells George he hears he is living at home with his parents to which George replies, "yeah there was a fire in my apartment building." Lloyd retorts "Fire, boy speakin of how bout some of the chicks in here..."

While George expects that Lloyd is scanning the room for babes Lloyd actually looks back right at the moment George is nudging Jerry with his elbow as if to say "ya see, this fuckin' guy?" Lloyd asks George if there is something wrong with his elbow to which George replies, "yeah its the damndest thing out of nowhere I started getting this involuntary movement." Naturally, Lloyd is concerned and gives George a business card for Mayor Dinkins' esteemed doctor to get it checked out. Like deceit is wont to do, this lie creates all kinds of problems for George. When Lloyd stops by Frank and Estelle's and brings up George's spasms both of his parents say they've never seen him do that but George elbows his mom to show the problem. In order to save face George agrees to go see the doctor. As the doctor reviews the x-rays he tells George "I find there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing that would indicate involuntary spasm."  George replies "well its a mystery isn't it." The doctor proclaims "No, not really, may I suggest the possibility that you are faking?" George, aghast, retorts with "what kind of a person would make up a thing like that?" The doctor says "I don't know what kind of person would do something like that...obviously a very sick person.  A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's time ... Good day." As George gets up to leave in a huff he smashes his elbow on the desk and ironically does begin to experience involuntary arm spasms.


The Lie: "Well it's a mystery isn't it?"





The Outing - Season 4, Episode 17

Setting The SceneAfter realizing that a pair of college girls in the booth next to them are eavesdropping Elaine intentionally let's them hear her reasoning with George and Jerry that "So what if you're gay? I mean does that really change anything?" One of the girls happens to be an aspiring journalist from NYU who is set to interview Jerry. Later on at Jerry's apartment while the interview is going on, George behaves in what can be misconstrued as a homosexual manner in both his body language and conversation with Jerry.  George goes as far as asking "Do you see the way he talks to me?" to which the girl replies "You should see the way my boyfriend talks to me."  To this Jerry puts two and two together and realizes that this girl was the one that was eavesdropping back at the coffee shop and proclaims that Elaine was just messing with her and they are not gay. George, not wanting to appear homophobic, offers up some pro-gay comments including the unforgettable lie, "My father's gay." Since the reporter was still struggling to comprehend the fact that Jerry and George are indeed hetero, George comes out with the classic line "DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?? C'MON LETS GO BABY!!"

After many issues Jerry finally gets Sharon (the reporter) to believe him that he is straight and Jerry even gets Sharon interested in a romantic relationship. Meanwhile, due to George's desire to get rid of the girl he is currently seeing he lies to her by reading her the newspaper article that Sharon wrote proclaiming that Jerry and his "longtime companion" have been seeing each other for years. He says "Don't you understand what that implies?? I'm gay, I'm steeped in gayness." However George's girlfriend does not believe this lie and when George finds Jerry and Sharon making out on the couch he screams "Jerry what are you doing with a woman??" Jerry says, "what are you talking about you idiot?" After this interaction, Sharon is fed up and leaves because everything is so weird. Since Jerry will not play along George finally tries a new lie and says, "actually I'm a pornstar named Buck Naked," to which his girlfriend gets turned on while George laments "oh my god...".


The Lie: "My father's gay"







Craig Bevan:

The Boyfriend - Season 3, Episode 17


Setting The Scene: At the gym, Jerry spots baseball star Keith Hernandez in the locker room and before he can work up the courage to introduce himself, Keith walks over and tells Jerry how much he admires Jerry's comedy act. They soon become fast friends but Jerry is jealous, of what he's not quite sure, when Hernandez starts dating Elaine. Kramer and Newman have their own views about Hernandez, convinced that he spit on them after a game several years before. Jerry analyzes the event with Warren Commission-like detail. Meanwhile, George is having trouble extending his unemployment benefits and let the lying begin. He notices that the unemployment counselor is a big Mets fan and he let's her know that he's a "good friend of Keith Hernandez" to ingratiate himself with her.


In an effort to extend the benefits, George makes up a story about a job interview he'd been to and that he was very close to securing a job with Vandelay Industries. He then gives Jerry's address and phone number for the unemployment counselor to check out Vandelay Industries, which manufactures latex on the Upper West Side.  George rushes to Jerry's apartment to make Jerry aware that he needs to answer the phone "Vandelay Industries" until the unemployment counselor calls. Kramer, however, is unaware as he picks up Jerry's phone and let's the woman know she's "way, way, off" which is very typical of Kramer. While Kramer is telling this woman that there's no Vandelay Industries at this number George comes storming out of the bathroom yelling at Kramer.
 


The Lie: "Say Vandelay! Say Vandelay!"


 



The Butter Shave - Season 9, Episode 1


Setting The Scene:
Not fully recovered from "The Summer of George", George is using a cane to get around.  George learns of a job interview with a playground equipment company. He is hired for the job at Play Now because they think he is handicapped due to his use of the cane. George takes full advantage of the situation after they offer him his own fully equipped handicap bathroom.

George manages to keep up his handicap bluff until he gets into some trouble with old-timers after hitting their motorized carts (four volts), a very slow chase ensues. George's cart begins to die on him so he jumps off and picks up the cart and runs away from the mob only to run into his boss from Play Now. George, now concerned about what will happen to his job, is caught by the mob and one older gentleman hits George with his cane ("Eat hickory!").   George's boss wants to get rid of him, since he now knows he isn't really handicapped; as a result, everyone who works there doesn't like him. He has a one-year contract with Play Now, which he will exploit by meeting only the most basic requirement of showing up for work every day. Play Now tries to negotiate with George, but he won't give in. Later, he offers his office and one of their rubber balls to allow Kramer to test his oil tanker bladder idea.


The Lie:  "My baby takes the morning train"





Brad Bolenius:

The Strike - Season 9, Episode 10

Man this is one of my all-time favorite episodes. It really has it all. 


Setting The Scene: Jerry dates a two-face. Elaine’s got issues with fake numbers, crappy subs, and sleazy bookies (is there any other kind?). Kramer gets back to work after a decade long strike at H&H Bagels. Once Jerry sparks Kramer's interest in a little-known holiday Frank Costanza drew up, he's gotta know more. “As I rained blows upon him, I thought, there’s got to be another way…A Festivus for the rest of us!” Certainly an aluminum pole, airing of grievances, and feats of strength beats the hell out of a tree, presents, and cookies any day. Jerry Stiller really knocks this one out of the park. "George stop crying and fight your father!" Frank Costanza. "I think you can take him Georgie," Estelle Costanza.

The Human Fund - Money For People
Early in the episode, George opens his mail to find a Hanukkah gift from converted Jew, dentist Tim Whatley, that contains a card noting that a contribution has been made in his name to a children’s charity for the holidays. Well if this doesn’t chap George’s ass; he had gifted Whatley Yankees tickets! An Eye for an Eye! That’s the real Christmas spirit!
Though feeling slighted, George believes he has uncovered a loophole in the system. The Human Fund, a made up charity with the sole intent to skirt holiday gifting. Only George! Gifts come in. Nothin' goes out. What a hilarious piece of crap. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Kruger, his apathetic boss. “A donation has been made in your name to: The Human Fund.” Kruger, “Whatever.” George, “Exactly.”
Kruger has a charitable contribution for his business in the order of $20K and decides to make the check out to George’s fake charity. Upon the accounting department’s discovery that The Human Fund does not exist, Kruger is naturally pissed off that he received a fake Christmas gift. George, being the veteran liar that he is, tells Kruger of the Costanza winter holiday and that he made up the Human Fund because he was afraid of being persecuted for his beliefs in Festivus. Such a ridiculous story, Kruger needs proof so he comes by Frank and Estelle’s lovely residence in Queens. Frank Costanza’s indescribable insanity quickly validates the tale of Festivus and George once again gets off the hook. Well…not exactly. 

The Lie: "George I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund those donation cards were fake?! You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift."



The Limo - Season 3, Episode 19

Setting The SceneIn this episode, the lie actually sets the scene. George is picking up Jerry from JFK, but his car breaks down near the airport so now George and Jerry are both without a ride. While trying to find Jerry, George asks a man for the time. Although wearing a watch, the man advises George to view a wall clock in the distance. After questioning the man’s rationale, George gets fed up and tries grabbing the man’s wrist to view the time. “What are you some kind of nut?” George, “You know we are living, in a society!” Classic George!


OK, so in casual conversation, Jerry notices a chauffeur holding a sign greeting “O’Brien.” A man Jerry already knows missed the flight in Chicago but was desperate to get to Madison Square Garden tonight. So Colin O’Brien (George) and Dylan Murphy (Jerry) get in the limo and are on their way. After a classic George-Estelle conversation on the limo telephone, O’Brien finds out they are on their way to MSG with 4 passes. Oh baby, Jordan’s in town to play the Knicks! (Ya can’t miss Air Jordan). After Jerry informs Elaine/Kramer of the free passes, the limo driver pulls off to pick up the other planned members of the O’Brien party. Oh man, the jig is up! Not so fast, there’s still more hole to be dug.
Tim and Eva enter the Limo, anxious to meet their idol and author of The Game, Mr. O’Brien. After some light discussion, it surfaces that O’Brien is scheduled to speak tonight outside Madison Square Garden. “…and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.” Ouch George, you’re not going to open with that are you? A tire blows on the limo and the two Jews have a moment alone inside the limo. Jerry tries discussing a plan, but George cannot get over the way Eva is coming on to him. “Kind of a cute Nazi though.” Having trouble getting over the sexual potential, George dials 9-1-1. Tim comes back in the limo and George is caught mid-sentence… "uhh Astroturf…you know who’s responsible for that don’t ya? The Jews! The Jews hate grass. They always have and they always will.” LMAO
So the limo stops to pick up Kramer and Elaine. Sure enough, the jig is up. They make it to MSG to find a huge angry mob, ready to flip the limo. The episode ends with George live on national TV with the caption “Donald O’Brien – Leader of the Aryan Union.” Explain yourself out of this one, George.

The Lie: "Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union? Who is responsible for making hate-mongering and fascism popular again?"


 



There you have it folks, the tangled webs that George Costanza was capable of weaving. He is perhaps the most comedic and downright hysterical liar ever portrayed. And for that we thank him, and TBS for airing four episodes a night.



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