An Open Letter to Bushwood Country Club Members from Judge Elihu Smails

Esteemed Bushwood Country Club Members,

I’ll tell you one thing right now, I’ve had it with the shifting culture in today’s society. The youth of America have absolutely zero respect for the way we fine upstanding citizens have conducted our normal every days lives since the days when my father first brought us to Bushwood. It is clearly up to gentlemen like myself to stand up for what’s right. To stop the people who don’t belong from making a mockery of decent country club life. To carry on traditions that have been passed down with honor and dignity.

If you’ll indulge me for just a brief time, I’ll share with you the horror that I have witnessed in the past week at a place I used to consider my own sanctuary. I need to take this time to impress upon the culture the lack of civility that is occurring, of all places, right here at Bushwood. This sort of retelling isn’t easy for me, but I feel it’s owed to the younger generations to set the record straight on the difference between right and wrong. Goodness, and badness.

The horror that has taken place recently has come from all walks of life. All culminating in an embarrassing fixed golf match that Dr. Beeper and I most assuredly won regardless of stories you may have heard second hand. So much has happened I can barely decipher where to begin…

First of all, our Scottish greenskeeper is an incompetent imbecile who employs another doubly incompetent imbecile who has perpetrated his low life tendencies throughout my life and those who play golf at our fine establishment. I’ve already slapped Carl Spackler with so many cases stemming from his involvement in the destruction of my beloved Bushwood he’ll be my age before his court proceedings are finished. The man literally took a bite out of excrement right before my eyes. My dear wife collapsed from the site of it. It is people like Mr. Spackler who influence our young members and caddies and provide a horrid example for the youth culture. Honestly, how difficult can it be to trap and kill all the gophers on a golf course?

I must also share my dismay at my former favorite caddy, Danny Noonan, and the sewer he has chosen as his path. In the span of a few days, Danny went from an obedient young man with a good head on his shoulders to a philandering miscreant capable of such apocryphal atrocities against respect the mind has trouble just to fathom them. This was a young man I felt I could trust. A young man who’d shown he was capable of goodness. A young man who had a good work ethic and attitude towards work despite his upbringing. Well, I guess you can’t always bring them to the good side of things no matter how hard you may try. Trusting Danny, and other boys like Danny, will be a mistake I will not make in the future as he deliberately betrayed me and all of the good I tried to stand for with him. This seems to be typical of the Roman Catholics I’ve encountered, the world needs ditch diggers too. An older man is capable of learning new lessons, and I am certainly never going to be fooled by that kind of person again.

Mr. Spackler and Mr. Noonan not withstanding, I am particularly disgusted with two men who ought to know better. Two men that are old enough to carry themselves in a dignified manner, rather than the ghastly chicanery I have had the disgust to deal with lately.

One of those men is Ty Webb. You all know him as a member here, as was his father with whom I served our country. Ty was a man I thought I knew, a decent golfer with a passion for Bushwood we both shared. But I’ve learned that was all deception and he too lacks the very moral fiber we strive to attain here as members of this once fine club. Not only does Mr. Webb side with badness, but he has also taken part in the corruption of poor Danny Noonan. Perhaps without Mr. Webb’s insolence rubbing off on Mr. Noonan, Mr. Noonan may have been able to choose another path. Sadly, it was not to be.

Some people just don't belong.

Mr. Webb’s association with Al Czervik is what I find most disturbing, however. Mr. Czervik came to our Bushwood as a guest of the Scott’s, whom I will be insisting upon banning from Bushwood after their guest was responsible for the downfall of this club. In the span of a few days Mr. Czervik has wreaked havoc upon the establishment. He caused me to strike a woman with my putter, insulted our cook, poked fun at my nephew Spaulding, propositioned my wife, sunk my brand new boat the Flying WASP, and  aided and abetted in the general downfall of civility within our club. Mr. Czervik will be finding himself in a courtroom all too soon, a menace like he, needs to be squelched in a timely manner.

In conclusion, it is the people I have singled out. Assistant greenskeeper Carl Spackler, caddy Danny Noonan, member Ty Webb, and guest Al Czervik who must be removed from our way of life. Our way of  being. They clearly do not represent the best wishes and attitudes of our fine Bushwood Club. I will be doing everything in my judgeship authority to see that these cretins are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for their malicious behavior.

Sincerely,

The Honorable Judge Elihu Smails