The Villain Countdown - Lethal Weapon and Die Hard

Hans.. Bubby!

I was flipping the channels the other day and landed on Lethal Weapon 3. Can you separate those? I’m sure it’s tough for most, just a lot of Riggs’ questionable hair length and Murtaugh seemingly always being too old for this shit. So that’s where I come in. For some reason those movies have stuck with me, maybe it was the lore of Mel Gibson in his prime. Maybe it was the buddy cop aspect with a little Joe Pesci thrown in (from the 2^nd one on).

Anyway, the third one got me thinking. The first one was Gary Busey throwing nothing but heat for some sinister blond prick and they weren’t afraid of kidnapping a cop’s daughter. The second one was the Apartheid South African evil doers running heroin and planting toilet bombs, man Murtaugh saw some shit in his day.  The third one was former police officer Jack Travis being as evil and disturbing as a bad guy gets. And of course, who could forget Jet Li’s star making turn as the martial arts expert that damn near killed Riggs and Murtaugh in the 4^th installment? I know I couldn’t.

So from there, I thought a list of bad guys is something missing from most people’s lives, but clearly just a list of Lethal Weapon bad guys wouldn’t quench the thirst of my readers needing to know who the worst arch villains were in action movie franchises. From the title I’m sure you can guess where we’re heading. That’s right. We’re on our way to ranking the top 8 bad guys* from the Lethal Weapon and Die Hard franchises!

When it came to maintaining a sense of humor in the face of certain death for yourself or people close to you it didn’t get much better than Riggs and McClane for action franchises that spanned multiple installments from the 80s through the 90s. Y'know?

Before we get in to the actual countdown of villains I would be remiss to not point out a few parts of these movies that  made them so memorable for me. We’re going to hand out some awards.

Best use of bullshitting your way through a situation with acronyms:

“The FAAs got a new SOP for DOAs“ when McClane needed to check the pockets of the terrorists he killed in the beginning of Die Hard 2 because he had a hunch they were up to more than stealing luggage. Wrong place wrong time again, huh John?

By far the most memorable woman from any of the movies in the franchises because of a spectacular nude scene and ultimately heartbreaking death for a boy of 9 who was watching this for the first time on Prism after Shawn Bradley lost a game in 94:

Did they have to kill her directly following this scene? I'm still traumatized.

That award goes to the smoking hot South African blond in Lethal Weapon 2. I didn’t know her name then and I still don’t know but I want to thank the lord for her the same way Jimmy Dugan thanked the lord for that waitress in South Bend.

Biggest dickhead: Ellis, by far. (Die Hard)

Best Car Ride:

This goes to Riggs and Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon 4 for driving a Pontiac Grand Prix off an elevated highway and into a high rise office building. Then driving through the entire floor of the office building while appearing not to run over anything but desks and literally flying out the other end of the building and hopping back on to the elevated highway which had conveniently snaked around the building to be there for them to land on.

Most improbable escape from a suddenly flooded underground aquaduct tunnel:

Shoooo.. that award goes to John McClane in Die Hard: With a Vengeance for doing a 40 MPH 180 in a dump truck and then managing to rig the gas pedal while he climbed the dump truck only to grab an escape ladder and get shot out a tunnel as part of a geyser from the flood waters. You had to be there I'm telling you.

Best extended climax fight scene that involved at least 100+ cops watching Riggs fight Busey to the death in front of Murtaugh’s house and included the actual challenge “Would you like a shot at the title?”:

This award goes to Sergeant Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon 1 for this amazing sequence. Parental advisory on that one.

Best use of the F word:

It’s a tie.

Obviously, you can’t omit every yippy-kay-yay-mother-fu**er. That’s a given

But remember ,“They F**K you at the drive-thru!!” and always check your order before you drive away.

Alright without further adieu..

God, whether they were incredibly brilliant, incredibly ruthless, or both, the villains in these movies stuck with a kid growing up in the 90s.

8. Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) - Live Free or Die Hard or Die Hard 4 for those not willing to figure out what number this one was.

Next

7. The South Africans – Lethal Weapon 2 - Older, racist, embarrassing looking whites that you really needed to see get their comeuppance.

They did, of course. But their trap of setting up a bomb underneath the toilet in Roger Murtaugh’s house made for one of the more memorable and relationship building scenes in a blossoming partnership. It also gave the guys doing the score another chance to throw in that superfluous saxophone that defined the LW movies.

The racist drug dealers were a bit too non-descript to rank on this list of intense villainy but make no mistake about their callous approach to life. I mean, how could they kill the blond like that? At least Murtaugh revoked their diplomatic immunity.

6.  Colonels Esperanza and Stewart and all those goons – Die Hard 2: Die Harder

These guys were sophisticated and tricky. We’re talking overtaking an airport and setting up a control tower from a church sophisticated. We’re talking bringing in a military unit that has actually flipped and become mercenaries working for The Colonel tricky. You have to tip your cap to the owner of McDowell’s from Coming to America (John Amos) for having the balls to slash some throats on his way to a payday. I did not see that coming on first view.

Last smoke ring that guy's gonna blow.

Sidenote – this is one of the funnier moves to watch as the WPHL 17 movie of the week. Plenty of cursing that gets dubbed instead of blanked out. Two of my personal faves.

Actual Line - Amos to McClane: You’re an asshole, but you’re my kind of asshole.

Clean Line – Amos to McClane: You’re a rascal, but you’re my kind of rascal.

Actual Line – Yippee-kay-yay MotherFu**er!

Clean Line – Yippee-kay-yay Mr. Falcon!

5. Jack Travis (Stuart Wilson) - Lethal Weapon 3

I just remember him pushing a guy into a hole on a construction site and burying him alive with concrete while at least 5 other guys watched and did nothing. I found it disturbing and still do.

4. Wah Sing Ku (Jet Li) – Lethal Weapon 4 – Had to look up that movie name obviously.

Don't worry, they all walk outta that scene alive.

I’m sure it wasn’t his film debut but this is the first time I remember seeing Jet Li kick ass on screen. He was ominous in this flick. I legit think he said about 4 words in this total and that was after his brother was killed in a shootout. He was always lurking with a menacing glare, strangling his people who failed him on rooftops, taking out 7 people at a time, moving quicker than you would think possible, taking guns apart with one hand, and setting Murtaugh’s house on fire with entire families tied up and left for dead inside. Man, Roger Murtaugh is up there for having gone through some shit. 

3. Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons) – Die Hard: With a Vengeance or Die Hard 3

“I know the man I know the family,” John McClane talking about Peter Krieg, born Simon Peter Gruber.

Simon Gruber was indeed trying to pull a Hans Gruber and fake a heist with a terrorist act. Gruber brought more of a charm to his villain than those  already recapped. He had no problem blowing up people and buildings but he also really liked to mess with McClane. What a series of riddles, nearly impossible situations, and goosechases Gruber sent McClane and Jesus (Hey Zeus aka Samuel L) on in DH:WAV. It almost made him a bit endearing for me. Sure the killing was senseless but he had flare in other areas, and he even was getting it on with the creepy chick who liked killing dudes with giant sickle like swords.

Great jaw

2. Joshua (Gary Busey) – Lethal Weapon

I’ve written about Gary Busey before in this blog and I feel like this role may have been a turning point in his life. I mean the dude was playing Buddy Holly in the late 70s and geeked out to the max. He had to go to a dark place to pull off the sadistic Joshua in the original film in the series and perhaps hasn’t been the same man since. If you want to see some overacting at its finest sit down and watch Lethal Weapon 1. Riggs is really trying to come to grips with his life crumbling around him and pouring it on to that effect. Meanwhile, Busey is matching him step for step on crazy and its more the look in his eye than anything. Busey is ready to kill and programmed to do so in this classic. He was a worthy adversary but Martin Riggs is Martin Riggs.

1. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) – Die Hard

“Get me my detonators”

“Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho”

“Mr. Takagi..”

“Shoot ze glass”

“Clay, Bill Clay”

“I’m an exceptional thief”

Yeah, he didn't make it.

Hans Gruber folks. He sticks with you.

For your reference:

Die Hard - 1988
Die Hard 2: Die Harder - 1990
Die Hard 3: With a Vengeance - 1995
Live Free or Die Hard - Shouldn't have done it, or the one after.

Lethal Weapon - 1987
Lethal Weapon 2 - 1989
Lethal Weapon 3 - 1992
Lethal Weapon 4 - 1998

*We’re not counting whatever they called the 5^th Die Hard and to be honest we’re only counting Live Free or Die Hard, the 4^th Die Hard, for symmetry purposes.

Jimmy Rollins: A Retrospective

Can you remember what you were doing in September 2000? I can. I was a snot-nosed freshman at Quakertown High School playing varsity golf and still waiting on my first kiss. My God, that was a long time ago. 

Jimmy Rollins played his first Major League game against the Florida Marlins at Veteran’s Stadium for a last place Phillies team on September 17^th that year. The Phillies were 62-86, 25.5 games back of the Atlanta Braves who were winning their umpteenth division title in a row. Randy Wolf started, Pat Burrell played left, Bobby Abreu played right, Scott Rolen had the night off and Terry Francona probably had a chew that would make Lenny Dykstra smile going in the dugout. Rollins had the first and second of his eventual all-time franchise leading 2306 hits that night.

Desi Relaford and Alex Arias got the lion’s share of playing time at short that year for Francona and the Phils. That was the last year that Jimmy Rollins wasn’t a mainstay at the 6 spot on the diamond for a decade and a half. So the actual answer to who played shortstop for the Phillies before Jimmy Rollins was "Yikes".

Rollins played the last handful of games in 2000 and it was clear that he was the shortstop of the future going forward, and the Phils brought in shortstop of the past Larry Bowa to steer the ship in 2001.  Rollins was a catalyst in a turnaround year for the Phillies. Every position player outside of catcher played a minimum of 147 games that year and the Phils finished 2^nd in the NL East at 86-76 and earned Bowa manager of the year honors.  Rollins hit 274 with 48 steals 29 doubles 14 homers and 180 hits in his first full season. He finished 3^rd in Rookie of the Year voting behind Roy Oswalt and a dude name Albert Pujols. Things were looking up for the Phillies after above average years from a young group of talented players.

It was not to be.

The Phils ran the same squad back in ‘02 but the organization’s unwillingness to spend money as well as Bowa’s fiery personality clashed with the temperamental star of the team, Scott Rolen. Ed Wade sent him packing and Rollins numbers were down across the board for a team that finished a game below .500.

The next few years were spent trying to find an identity as the team moved across the street to Citizen’s Bank Ballpark and Jim Thome hit a bunch of mostly meaningless home runs.

Rollins was a constant. If everything else on the team was a variable, be it the manager (Charlie Manuel replaced Bowa in 2005), the starting pitching, the entire roster save Burrell and Abreu, Rollins was always there. From 2001 to 2007 Rollins missed just 34 of 1134 games and never played less than 154 in a season. In that same stretch he posted the following hit totals: 180, 156, 165, 190, 196, 191, 212.

By the time Charlie Manuel had settled in as manager Jimmy Rollins knew that the Phillies were going to be good. They had serious close calls for playoff berths in 2005 and 2006, the former of which was led by Rollins’ 38 game hit streak that stood at 36 games when the '05 season ended. That hitting streak is 8^th all time by the way. In 2006 the New York Mets were dominant and ran away with the division and looked poised to do the same in 2007.

Jimmy Rollins was not having any of that. Don’t get me wrong, Rollins was always an All-Star caliber player from day one but believe me when I tell you his 2007 season was something for the ages. We all know he declared the Phillies as “the team to beat” in spring training that year even though the Phillies hadn’t made the playoffs since Rollins was in middle school. Then all he did was go out and make every single play a guy could make that year. Ryan Howard gets to go down in history for those 58 home runs in his 2006 season, but put Jimmy Rollins right next to him for having the following stats in ’07 (bold numbers indicates a league lead).

162 games, 778 plate appearance, 716 at bats, 139 runs, 212 hits, 38 doubles, 20 triples (20 triples?!?), 30 home runs, 94 rbi, 41 steals (6 caught), and he hit 296.

Oh, and he also won his second consecutive gold glove. And National League Most Valuable Player honors.

I tend to get carried away with stats but know that it wasn’t just about the stats with Rollins. He was the leader on a ballclub on a true ascension. He was outspoken. He was charismatic. He had swagger (before swagger became something that everybody claimed to have). He Made Every Single God Damn Play At Shortstop. Day in. Day out.  For what seemed like forever. This can't be taken for granted but usually is.

His 2007 season got the Phillies over that playoff hump. Sure, they got swept by the Rockies but the comeback the Phillies made against the Mets to take the division is what every one remembers that year.  Seven and a half back with 17 to go and the Mets folded like a cheap suit. Rollins put the belief in that team to go out and do it. Having Chase Utley, Howard, Jayson Werth, Chooch, and Shane Victorino certainly helped but Rollins was the one who made them believe. First he did it with his words, and then he did it with his play.

From there the legend only grew. Every one reading this knows what happened in 2008 for the Phillies. When you’re the starting shortstop and a main reason for a team to reach the apex of the sport your position has been solidified as one of the all time franchise greats.

Then came the 2009 NLCS. The Phillies had not been in a tight playoff series during their run up to that point and Jimmy Rollins was not about to let that '09 NLCS be any different. It was a cold Monday night in October and the Phils were leading the series 2-1 but trailing the Dodgers 4-3 and down a run in the bottom of the 9^th at Citizen’s Bank Park.

The Dodgers closer, Jonathan Broxton, had already been victimized by the mortal Matt Stairs in the 2008 NLCS to the tune of a moon shot game-winning home run. This time, Broxton was facing Jimmy batting left-handed with two outs and two men on when the 30 year-old shortstop connected on a 99 mile per hour fastball and sent a laser into the gap in right center. Can’t you just hear Harry (RIP) doing that call “Two runs are gonna score..”

 This always has and always will be my favorite YouTube clip of all-time. Scott Franzke with the call.

That’s the hit you dream about when you’re a little kid playing in your back yard. That’s what every fan wishes their team would be capable of pulling off. That’s what Jimmy Rollins delivered in the 2009 NLCS. It’s a hit and a moment I’ll never forget for the rest of my life. It made Jimmy Rollins immortal as a sports figure in this city regardless of his shortcomings and more lean years we’ve experienced of late.

Since the Phils string of five straight NL East titles Rollins’ play has dipped, along with every other star on the Phils' aging roster. After the 2011 season, the one that ended in bitter disappointment after 102 wins, he signed a three year deal to stay with the only team he’d ever known. I actually wrote him an open letter pleading with him to stay. I’m glad he did. It was the right thing to do, whether it worked out for him and the Phillies or not.

Jimmy wasn't without his faults. I did my fair share of complaining about his penchant for popping up the second pitch of an at-bat in the infield. I got frustrated when he seemed to swing for the fences or not work counts, but the positives always far outweighed the negatives when it came to Jimmy. He was never the prototypical leadoff hitter, but when Jimmy Rollins was going good the Phillies were tough to beat and everybody knew that.

It saddens me that Rollins, Utley and Howard are not as revered currently as they should be because they have seen such a large drop in production. That’s what happens though, athletes get old. Unless you’re Barry Bonds (cough bullshit cough), you’re not putting up career years at age 38. People will rag on Jimmy these days because of his low batting average and suspect on base percentage.  They might be legitimate gripes but after 15 years of being the best shortstop this organization has ever seen it’s finally time to let any negative feelings you may have about Jimmy Rollins go today.

He is the man that put his heart and soul into this ballclub since before any 20 year old in the Delaware Valley is capable of remembering. He’s been through Francona, Bowa, Manuel, and Sandberg. He’s been through last place and he’s been through multiple pennants. He won one of the franchise’s two World Series. He will always be a Phillie, but for now he’s a Dodger. 

Ruben is Still Here

I was with several friends over the past weekend and I discussed that the Phillies season would end with a Cole Hamels start on Sunday. Here are some samples of the responses I heard.

“They’re still playing?!”

“I stopped following the Phillies in May.”

The terms 'relevant' and 'Phillies' don’t look as if they’ll collide in a sentence any time soon, perhaps for the rest of the decade. They finished this season with the same exact record as last season, but this time it was bad enough for last place. So let’s take quick stock of the drastic and epic fall from grace for this collection of stiffs. In fact it will be real quick. The Phillies have finished in a worse position than they did the year before every single year for six consecutive seasons, but here’s the scary part, I don’t think they’ve even bottomed out yet.

We’ve gone over and it, and gone over it, but this collective failure really falls at the feet of one incredibly stubborn man. That man is Ruben Amaro Jr. He’s taken a perennial contender and turned it back into the perennial doormat it had been for the vast majority of its century plus old existence. Despite the facts that every single Phillies fan is familiar with¸ Ruben has been given a vote of confidence and will be coming back to try and get his team out of last place (barring a miracle he won’t) in 2015.

To quote Liam Neeson in Taken – the arrogance offends me.

There are literally hundreds of reasons why the Phillies should not bring back Ruben Amaro Jr but we’ll talk about the most relevant ones.  There’s really only two that matter, take your pick as to which you think is a bigger reason why RAJ should lose his job. It doesn't matter that people within the organization like him, or that he is doing his best. His results speak for themselves, and its hard to imagine any other team allowing this kind of rope with which he's hanged himself.

First, he has taken a team with incredible talent and aside from obvious additions like Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Hunter Pence he hasn’t filled in the cracks with anybody half as talented as Jayson Werth or Shane Victorino. When the Phillies core four (Howard, Rollins, Utley, Hamels) were in their prime together they didn’t need a ton of help but Pat Gillick got it for them anyway. What makes upper management think that Amaro will all of a sudden turn his “bad luck” free agent signings and clear as day lack of talent evaluation skills around? Seriously, What. The. Fuck?! Makes them think that?!?

I’m at a loss there, I assume everybody else is too, except, astoundingly, the people who make decisions above RAJ’s head. Wow. Just wow. We’re dealing with incompetence on top of incompetence and then throw in a gallon of stubborn and you have the 2014/15 Phillies' management.

Second, the Phillies brass is removing all goodwill they built up with their fans during the sustained success by not firing RAJ. You could poll the 100 people who actually made it to the last Phillies home game of the  year whether they’d have RAJ or literally anybody else who’s made a baseball decision in their life at the Major League level who they’d want to run the team next year, and 100 people and all of their moms would say literally anybody else.

So really, what do the Phillies have to gain by being loyal to a man who has run their team into the ground? They’re not going to find somebody who could do worse. But there’s got to be a decent chance they could find somebody who would do better. It’s like the Phillies have been eating out of the same opened bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos since 2012 and they love stale Doritos! They had a great run, but hey let’s see if we can find a new bag, maybe Cool Ranch, maybe something cool we don’t even know about yet.

This offseason will be an important one for the Phillies. Will they vie seriously for free agent talent? Will they go find a pitcher? Will they turn Ryan Howard lose and eat $60 million? Will they stand pat with lame ducks Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley? Will they find a competent outfielder that isn’t over 35 years old that led the MLB in Ks?* Will they employ a catcher than can slug over 370? Will they employ anyone who can slug over 400?**

I just don’t want Ruben Amaro Jr answering any of those questions. I can’t say I’ve come across anybody lately who disagrees.

*Marlon was second in the MLB in Ks. I’ll give you one guess who led the MLB in Ks, and that’s all you should need.

**Marlon did at 445 and Chase Utley technically slugged 407 but he finished the season with just 11 home runs and hit only 15 doubles after May, when he hit 21 in the first two months of the season. 

Even When They're Good, They're Bad

Cole Hamels is 15-8 with a 3.34 ERA in his career against the Braves

Today the Phillies’ completed a no-hitter using four different pitchers, their first combined no-hitter in their 130 year history and the 12^th in team history. It will surely go down as the most memorable moment of this abysmal 2014 season. But as I was planning on writing even before this somewhat historic feat, even when these Phillies are good, they are bad.

Take today as a case in point. Sure, Cole Hamels tossed 6 innings of no-hit ball but Cole would certainly tell you he’s pitched better in a plenty of games this season. Hell, he only made it through six innings despite not giving up any hits. Hamels was less than sharp walking 5 and hitting a batter en route to 108 pitches after 18 outs.  His turn came up to hit in the bottom of the 6^th and Sandy wasted no time sending Grady Sizemore out to pinch-hit for Hamels. His afternoon was done even with the chance at immortality still in his grasp.

Sandy turned to a bullpen combination that has been somewhat dominant (the somewhat is Jake Diekman) in Jake Diekman, Ken Giles, and Jonathan Papelbon to try and persevere the no-hitter. Those three combined for three perfect innings and the Phils were able to squeeze out a bright spot on Labor Day against their division rival Atlanta Braves, who flat out can’t hit.

So this is a nice accomplishment and a “neat feat” but having Cole Hamels only be able to finish six innings while walking five is just another prime example of the Phillies being bad, even when they’re good.

More cases in point – Has any one taken a look at the NL batting title race lately? I have a pretty good chuckle to myself every time I see Justin Morneau slip down a few points and still manage to hold on to his grasp of the league lead. Little Ben Revere has been making a push the past few months to try and claim this title for the Phillies for the first time since Richie Ashburn did it more than 50 years ago.

What a pathetic race this is though! Currently, Morneau is tied with Josh Harrison of the Pittsburgh Pirates at .311. 311?!? Are you kidding me? Under .315 has a good chance to walk away with a batting title this year? Pete Rose could probably still do that. Benny sits about one hit behind the leaders at .310. Last year, Michael Cuddyer won the batting title hitting .331 and that was the lowest mark in over 20 years! The last guy to win a batting title in the NL under .320 was Terry Pendleton (.319) for the Braves in 1991.

More to the point of Benny being bad even though he is good, of the top 10 hitters in the NL right now Benny has the lowest on base percentage (.328), the lowest slugging percentage (obviously, .364) and even after a 5 RBI day yesterday the lowest amount of RBI (20).  He’s also the only hitter in the top 10 with less than 2.1 WAR, coming in at a whopping .6 WAR despite the 3^rd highest batting average in the league.

When you take a look at the rest of the Phillies roster almost every player on here is good for something, but just not good overall. Not good enough to help the team win.

A few weeks back while discussing Ryan Howard during his Sunday broadcast gig, Mike Schmidt insisted that “you couldn’t have a bad season if you got to 100 RBI.”  Well, Mike my friend, what about old Ryan Howard? If he continues at his current pace he’s going to prove you wrong on that statement. Miraculously, Howard and his 87 RBI sit at 4^th in the NL despite hitting .225 and slugging just .383. Of the other men in the top 10 in RBI in the NL, Howard’s slugging percentage is .41 points lower than anybody else. Of those same 10 men Ryan Braun has the least amount of WAR at 1.3, except for Howard who has compiled a -1.0 WAR for the season. Eeeessshhh.

Meanwhile, Marlon Byrd, perhaps the Phillies most productive hitter, has been swinging for the fences all season. It has worked, to an extent. He’s 5^th in the NL in home runs with 25 (a career high) but he also leads the Majors in strikeouts with 164. If you’re teammates with Ryan Howard and you hold your team lead in strikeouts something is off there, I don’t care what your other production is. Byrd is hitting .268 and leads the team in slugging so it’s certainly not all bad.

Jimmy Rollins has been a bit hot of late so I don’t have to throw up every time I check his box score. Is it sad that I’m fairly excited to see he’s up to .249? The answer to that question is yes. Rollins does have a career high in walks (62) this year and has a decent shot to have a 20 homer 20 steal season as a 35 year old shortstop. That batting average though, it’s tough to take, especially when he’s come in at .250 and .252 the prior two years.

Lastly, Saint Chase. Nobody likes to rag on Chase Utley in Philadelphia, but come on Chase, where has all the power gone? I don’t know if it’s his knees or what, but Utley just flat out does not drive the ball for power at anything more than a normal-ass second baseman clip. Nobody has ever referred to Utley’s power as “normal-ass” for a second baseman I guarantee you that. After racking up 21 doubles and hitting .320 through May this year Utley has not done much of anything at the plate. He hit .240 in June, .268 in July, and .243 in August. During those three months he only produced 16 extra base hits and is in line for a career low slugging percentage of .418. Despite all this he’s the best position player on the team by most accounts.

So even when the Phillies are good, they are bad. Here’s to watching Rollins, Howard, and Utley start on opening day next year. Cheers!

The Top 10 George Costanza Lies

"And you wanna be my latex salesman"

“The thing is, I’ve been living a lie.” Gary Fogel.

“Just one? I’m livin’ like 20,” George Costanza.

Editor's Note - If you are viewing this on a mobile device the embedded clips from the show will not display, but they are hyperlinked in for each lie. Also, wow! YouTube is probably top 5 invention all time.

Alex Riley: From the occasional casual viewer, to the obsessed Seinfeld aficionados, it is well known to many that George Costanza has lived his life as a prolific liar. My friends and I fall into the latter category. This past Memorial Day Weekend we went as far as delivering PowerPoint presentations on our top 10 episodes of all time. Try coming up with your top 10 Seinfeld eps, that’s no easy task. It’s like having 180 kids and trying to tell somebody who your favorite is. So with this knowledge and Seinfeld prowess in mind, those same friends and I have decided to put together another top 10 list. 

This time we present to you: The Top 10 George Costanza Lies of All-Time.

I’ll kick things off…

The Race - 6th Season, Episode 10

Setting the scene: Jerry’s legend for being the fastest kid in school has grown to epic proportions after winning a race in high school, and he needs George to corroborate his story that he did not break early at the start of the race. The boss of the woman Jerry is dating went to high school with Jerry and insists Jerry cheated in order to win the race. In an effort to make him believe, Jerry and George stage a fake meeting in the coffee shop and act as if they haven’t seen each other in 20 years. The lies from George start flying from there. He, of course, explains that he is now an architect and mentions that he did the new addition to the Guggenheim. "It really didn't take that long either." He goes on to also reveal that he lost his virginity the day of the big race to "Miss Stafford, the voluptuous homeroom teacher." My god, what a brilliant liar!

The lie: “I guess I started losing it when I was 28, right about the time I made my first million. It’s true what they say, the first million is the hardest.”

The Wizard - Season 9, Episode 15

Setting the scene: Afer his fiancee, Susan Ross, dies (from the toxic glue found on her cheap wedding invitations that George stooped to paying for), a foundation is established in her name and there is an event her parents invite George to attend. Not wanting to go, George tells several elaborate lies to the parents of his deceased fiancée starting with the 'fact' that he cannot attend the event because he will be at his house in the Hamptons. He goes as far as to tell them he has two horses named Snoopy and Prickly Pete. The Ross’s know he is lying and want to get the better of him. Thinking they'd never take him up on his offer, George invites them out to his place in the Hamptons. Much to his chagrin the Ross's take him right up on the offer and show up at his apartment for the long ride out to this non-existent beach home. George asks them if they really want to go through with the trip to his place in the Hamptons.

The lie: “Speak now or we are going to the Hamptons.. You wanna get nuts?!? Let’s  get nuts!!”

Andrew Eisenhart: Let's be honest, no one likes liars. They frustrate us on all levels, whether your relationship with the liar is serious or as easy-going as a distant work colleague, they don't fit into the mold of our society. That said, we all can really enjoy a lie that is comedic and there hasn't been a more humorous liar on television than Seinfeld's George Costanza. George is a pathological liar throughout the series. The irony of this is that one of his famous lines is about living in a society in a civilized way. How does lying fit into that? Who cares!

The Marine Biologist - Season 5, Episode 14 

Setting The Scene: While George's entire life is a lie, you can't help but feel for the guy when his best friend Jerry makes up a lie on his behalf. During an ATM visit, Jerry runs into an old college friend who asks about George. Jerry tells the "it" girl from their college days that George has become a Marine Biologist and is quite successful. George becomes uncomfortable with this made up lie claiming "he knows what he's capable of" as he prefers lying about being an architect.

The Lie: "Is anyone here a marine biologist?"

The IQ Test - Season 3, Episode 7 

Setting The Scene: Monica, George's girlfriend, administers IQ tests for her education course. Monica asks George to take the test and George, worried that she won't be impressed with his score, concocts a plan to have Elaine take the test for him. Monica's apartment has a first floor window that is accessible to the street, making it easy for Elaine to take the test then return it to George in the allotted time. Elaine has a hard time concentrating at Babu Bhatt's Dream Cafe, where she is taking the test. She returns it to George and this ensues. No pre-mediation, no pre-thought, just brilliant lying on the spot.

The Lie:   "How Am I Going To Explain This?"

Bob Bolenius:

The Non-Fat Yogurt - Season 5, Episode 7

Setting The Scene: George and Jerry are hanging out at the non-fat yogurt place admiring the delicious, seemingly non-fat frozen yogurt. In walks Lloyd Braun, who is a childhood neighbor of Georgey Boy's and now a big time advisor to Mayor Dinkins. "He thinks he's so cool," we learn via George. Much to George's dismay, Lloyd recognizes him and initiates conversation, hilarity ensues. Lloyd tells George he hears he is living at home with his parents to which George replies, "yeah there was a fire in my apartment building." Lloyd retorts "Fire, boy speakin of how bout some of the chicks in here..."

While George expects that Lloyd is scanning the room for babes Lloyd actually looks back right at the moment George is nudging Jerry with his elbow as if to say "ya see, this fuckin' guy?" Lloyd asks George if there is something wrong with his elbow to which George replies, "yeah its the damndest thing out of nowhere I started getting this involuntary movement." Naturally, Lloyd is concerned and gives George a business card for Mayor Dinkins' esteemed doctor to get it checked out. Like deceit is wont to do, this lie creates all kinds of problems for George. When Lloyd stops by Frank and Estelle's and brings up George's spasms both of his parents say they've never seen him do that but George elbows his mom to show the problem. In order to save face George agrees to go see the doctor. As the doctor reviews the x-rays he tells George "I find there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing that would indicate involuntary spasm."  George replies "well its a mystery isn't it." The doctor proclaims "No, not really, may I suggest the possibility that you are faking?" George, aghast, retorts with "what kind of a person would make up a thing like that?" The doctor says "I don't know what kind of person would do something like that...obviously a very sick person.  A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's time ... Good day." As George gets up to leave in a huff he smashes his elbow on the desk and ironically does begin to experience involuntary arm spasms.


The Lie: "Well it's a mystery isn't it?"

The Outing - Season 4, Episode 17

Setting The Scene: After realizing that a pair of college girls in the booth next to them are eavesdropping Elaine intentionally let's them hear her reasoning with George and Jerry that "So what if you're gay? I mean does that really change anything?" One of the girls happens to be an aspiring journalist from NYU who is set to interview Jerry. Later on at Jerry's apartment while the interview is going on, George behaves in what can be misconstrued as a homosexual manner in both his body language and conversation with Jerry.  George goes as far as asking "Do you see the way he talks to me?" to which the girl replies "You should see the way my boyfriend talks to me."  To this Jerry puts two and two together and realizes that this girl was the one that was eavesdropping back at the coffee shop and proclaims that Elaine was just messing with her and they are not gay. George, not wanting to appear homophobic, offers up some pro-gay comments including the unforgettable lie, "My father's gay." Since the reporter was still struggling to comprehend the fact that Jerry and George are indeed hetero, George comes out with the classic line "DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?? C'MON LETS GO BABY!!"

After many issues Jerry finally gets Sharon (the reporter) to believe him that he is straight and Jerry even gets Sharon interested in a romantic relationship. Meanwhile, due to George's desire to get rid of the girl he is currently seeing he lies to her by reading her the newspaper article that Sharon wrote proclaiming that Jerry and his "longtime companion" have been seeing each other for years. He says "Don't you understand what that implies?? I'm gay, I'm steeped in gayness." However George's girlfriend does not believe this lie and when George finds Jerry and Sharon making out on the couch he screams "Jerry what are you doing with a woman??" Jerry says, "what are you talking about you idiot?" After this interaction, Sharon is fed up and leaves because everything is so weird. Since Jerry will not play along George finally tries a new lie and says, "actually I'm a pornstar named Buck Naked," to which his girlfriend gets turned on while George laments "oh my god...".

The Lie: "My father's gay"

Craig Bevan:

The Boyfriend - Season 3, Episode 17


Setting The Scene: At the gym, Jerry spots baseball star Keith Hernandez in the locker room and before he can work up the courage to introduce himself, Keith walks over and tells Jerry how much he admires Jerry's comedy act. They soon become fast friends but Jerry is jealous, of what he's not quite sure, when Hernandez starts dating Elaine. Kramer and Newman have their own views about Hernandez, convinced that he spit on them after a game several years before. Jerry analyzes the event with Warren Commission-like detail. Meanwhile, George is having trouble extending his unemployment benefits and let the lying begin. He notices that the unemployment counselor is a big Mets fan and he let's her know that he's a "good friend of Keith Hernandez" to ingratiate himself with her.


In an effort to extend the benefits, George makes up a story about a job interview he'd been to and that he was very close to securing a job with Vandelay Industries. He then gives Jerry's address and phone number for the unemployment counselor to check out Vandelay Industries, which manufactures latex on the Upper West Side.  George rushes to Jerry's apartment to make Jerry aware that he needs to answer the phone "Vandelay Industries" until the unemployment counselor calls. Kramer, however, is unaware as he picks up Jerry's phone and let's the woman know she's "way, way, off" which is very typical of Kramer. While Kramer is telling this woman that there's no Vandelay Industries at this number George comes storming out of the bathroom yelling at Kramer. 

The Lie: "Say Vandelay! Say Vandelay!"

 

The Butter Shave - Season 9, Episode 1


Setting The Scene: Not fully recovered from "The Summer of George", George is using a cane to get around.  George learns of a job interview with a playground equipment company. He is hired for the job at Play Now because they think he is handicapped due to his use of the cane. George takes full advantage of the situation after they offer him his own fully equipped handicap bathroom.

George manages to keep up his handicap bluff until he gets into some trouble with old-timers after hitting their motorized carts (four volts), a very slow chase ensues. George's cart begins to die on him so he jumps off and picks up the cart and runs away from the mob only to run into his boss from Play Now. George, now concerned about what will happen to his job, is caught by the mob and one older gentleman hits George with his cane ("Eat hickory!").   George's boss wants to get rid of him, since he now knows he isn't really handicapped; as a result, everyone who works there doesn't like him. He has a one-year contract with Play Now, which he will exploit by meeting only the most basic requirement of showing up for work every day. Play Now tries to negotiate with George, but he won't give in. Later, he offers his office and one of their rubber balls to allow Kramer to test his oil tanker bladder idea.

The Lie:  "My baby takes the morning train"

Brad Bolenius:

The Strike - Season 9, Episode 10

Man this is one of my all-time favorite episodes. It really has it all. 


Setting The Scene: Jerry dates a two-face. Elaine’s got issues with fake numbers, crappy subs, and sleazy bookies (is there any other kind?). Kramer gets back to work after a decade long strike at H&H Bagels. Once Jerry sparks Kramer's interest in a little-known holiday Frank Costanza drew up, he's gotta know more. “As I rained blows upon him, I thought, there’s got to be another way…A Festivus for the rest of us!” Certainly an aluminum pole, airing of grievances, and feats of strength beats the hell out of a tree, presents, and cookies any day. Jerry Stiller really knocks this one out of the park. "George stop crying and fight your father!" Frank Costanza. "I think you can take him Georgie," Estelle Costanza.

The Human Fund - Money For People

Early in the episode, George opens his mail to find a Hanukkah gift from converted Jew, dentist Tim Whatley, that contains a card noting that a contribution has been made in his name to a children’s charity for the holidays. Well if this doesn’t chap George’s ass; he had gifted Whatley Yankees tickets! An Eye for an Eye! That’s the real Christmas spirit!

Though feeling slighted, George believes he has uncovered a loophole in the system. The Human Fund, a made up charity with the sole intent to skirt holiday gifting. Only George! Gifts come in. Nothin' goes out. What a hilarious piece of crap. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Kruger, his apathetic boss. “A donation has been made in your name to: The Human Fund.” Kruger, “Whatever.” George, “Exactly.”

Kruger has a charitable contribution for his business in the order of $20K and decides to make the check out to George’s fake charity. Upon the accounting department’s discovery that The Human Fund does not exist, Kruger is naturally pissed off that he received a fake Christmas gift. George, being the veteran liar that he is, tells Kruger of the Costanza winter holiday and that he made up the Human Fund because he was afraid of being persecuted for his beliefs in Festivus. Such a ridiculous story, Kruger needs proof so he comes by Frank and Estelle’s lovely residence in Queens. Frank Costanza’s indescribable insanity quickly validates the tale of Festivus and George once again gets off the hook. Well…not exactly. 

The Lie: "George I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund those donation cards were fake?! You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift."

The Limo - Season 3, Episode 19

Setting The Scene: In this episode, the lie actually sets the scene. George is picking up Jerry from JFK, but his car breaks down near the airport so now George and Jerry are both without a ride. While trying to find Jerry, George asks a man for the time. Although wearing a watch, the man advises George to view a wall clock in the distance. After questioning the man’s rationale, George gets fed up and tries grabbing the man’s wrist to view the time. “What are you some kind of nut?” George, “You know we are living, in a society!” Classic George!

OK, so in casual conversation, Jerry notices a chauffeur holding a sign greeting “O’Brien.” A man Jerry already knows missed the flight in Chicago but was desperate to get to Madison Square Garden tonight. So Colin O’Brien (George) and Dylan Murphy (Jerry) get in the limo and are on their way. After a classic George-Estelle conversation on the limo telephone, O’Brien finds out they are on their way to MSG with 4 passes. Oh baby, Jordan’s in town to play the Knicks! (Ya can’t miss Air Jordan). After Jerry informs Elaine/Kramer of the free passes, the limo driver pulls off to pick up the other planned members of the O’Brien party. Oh man, the jig is up! Not so fast, there’s still more hole to be dug.

Tim and Eva enter the Limo, anxious to meet their idol and author of The Game, Mr. O’Brien. After some light discussion, it surfaces that O’Brien is scheduled to speak tonight outside Madison Square Garden. “…and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.” Ouch George, you’re not going to open with that are you? A tire blows on the limo and the two Jews have a moment alone inside the limo. Jerry tries discussing a plan, but George cannot get over the way Eva is coming on to him. “Kind of a cute Nazi though.” Having trouble getting over the sexual potential, George dials 9-1-1. Tim comes back in the limo and George is caught mid-sentence… "uhh Astroturf…you know who’s responsible for that don’t ya? The Jews! The Jews hate grass. They always have and they always will.” LMAO

So the limo stops to pick up Kramer and Elaine. Sure enough, the jig is up. They make it to MSG to find a huge angry mob, ready to flip the limo. The episode ends with George live on national TV with the caption “Donald O’Brien – Leader of the Aryan Union.” Explain yourself out of this one, George.

The Lie: "Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union? Who is responsible for making hate-mongering and fascism popular again?"

 



There you have it folks, the tangled webs that George Costanza was capable of weaving. He is perhaps the most comedic and downright hysterical liar ever portrayed. And for that we thank him, and TBS for airing four episodes a night.

An Open Letter to Bushwood Country Club Members from Judge Elihu Smails

Esteemed Bushwood Country Club Members,

I’ll tell you one thing right now, I’ve had it with the shifting culture in today’s society. The youth of America have absolutely zero respect for the way we fine upstanding citizens have conducted our normal every days lives since the days when my father first brought us to Bushwood. It is clearly up to gentlemen like myself to stand up for what’s right. To stop the people who don’t belong from making a mockery of decent country club life. To carry on traditions that have been passed down with honor and dignity.

If you’ll indulge me for just a brief time, I’ll share with you the horror that I have witnessed in the past week at a place I used to consider my own sanctuary. I need to take this time to impress upon the culture the lack of civility that is occurring, of all places, right here at Bushwood. This sort of retelling isn’t easy for me, but I feel it’s owed to the younger generations to set the record straight on the difference between right and wrong. Goodness, and badness.

The horror that has taken place recently has come from all walks of life. All culminating in an embarrassing fixed golf match that Dr. Beeper and I most assuredly won regardless of stories you may have heard second hand. So much has happened I can barely decipher where to begin…

First of all, our Scottish greenskeeper is an incompetent imbecile who employs another doubly incompetent imbecile who has perpetrated his low life tendencies throughout my life and those who play golf at our fine establishment. I’ve already slapped Carl Spackler with so many cases stemming from his involvement in the destruction of my beloved Bushwood he’ll be my age before his court proceedings are finished. The man literally took a bite out of excrement right before my eyes. My dear wife collapsed from the site of it. It is people like Mr. Spackler who influence our young members and caddies and provide a horrid example for the youth culture. Honestly, how difficult can it be to trap and kill all the gophers on a golf course?

I must also share my dismay at my former favorite caddy, Danny Noonan, and the sewer he has chosen as his path. In the span of a few days, Danny went from an obedient young man with a good head on his shoulders to a philandering miscreant capable of such apocryphal atrocities against respect the mind has trouble just to fathom them. This was a young man I felt I could trust. A young man who’d shown he was capable of goodness. A young man who had a good work ethic and attitude towards work despite his upbringing. Well, I guess you can’t always bring them to the good side of things no matter how hard you may try. Trusting Danny, and other boys like Danny, will be a mistake I will not make in the future as he deliberately betrayed me and all of the good I tried to stand for with him. This seems to be typical of the Roman Catholics I’ve encountered, the world needs ditch diggers too. An older man is capable of learning new lessons, and I am certainly never going to be fooled by that kind of person again.

Mr. Spackler and Mr. Noonan not withstanding, I am particularly disgusted with two men who ought to know better. Two men that are old enough to carry themselves in a dignified manner, rather than the ghastly chicanery I have had the disgust to deal with lately.

One of those men is Ty Webb. You all know him as a member here, as was his father with whom I served our country. Ty was a man I thought I knew, a decent golfer with a passion for Bushwood we both shared. But I’ve learned that was all deception and he too lacks the very moral fiber we strive to attain here as members of this once fine club. Not only does Mr. Webb side with badness, but he has also taken part in the corruption of poor Danny Noonan. Perhaps without Mr. Webb’s insolence rubbing off on Mr. Noonan, Mr. Noonan may have been able to choose another path. Sadly, it was not to be.

Some people just don't belong.

Mr. Webb’s association with Al Czervik is what I find most disturbing, however. Mr. Czervik came to our Bushwood as a guest of the Scott’s, whom I will be insisting upon banning from Bushwood after their guest was responsible for the downfall of this club. In the span of a few days Mr. Czervik has wreaked havoc upon the establishment. He caused me to strike a woman with my putter, insulted our cook, poked fun at my nephew Spaulding, propositioned my wife, sunk my brand new boat the Flying WASP, and  aided and abetted in the general downfall of civility within our club. Mr. Czervik will be finding himself in a courtroom all too soon, a menace like he, needs to be squelched in a timely manner.

In conclusion, it is the people I have singled out. Assistant greenskeeper Carl Spackler, caddy Danny Noonan, member Ty Webb, and guest Al Czervik who must be removed from our way of life. Our way of  being. They clearly do not represent the best wishes and attitudes of our fine Bushwood Club. I will be doing everything in my judgeship authority to see that these cretins are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for their malicious behavior.

Sincerely,

The Honorable Judge Elihu Smails

Philadelphia, and their Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Baseball Team

Hindsight is a bitch Rube

A few years back, in the hey-day of this once great ballclub, the Phillies became the first professional sports franchise to lose 10,000 games. In other words, the only real grand tradition the Phillies have is losing ball games. They had a similar run of impressive teams from the late 70s to early 80s but otherwise the Phillies have run the gamut from laughingstock, to mediocre, to travesty and after they teased us with five straight division titles, have reverted back to their roots.

After the World Series win in 2008, it was easy to see why the Phillies became so nearsighted. The team was clearly still on the come up and obviously equipped to make another run at a title or three. Just think that the Phillies won in 2008 with Cole Hamels, Bret Myers, Jamie Moyer, and Joe Blanton starting the first four games of the World Series and try not to cry thinking about 2009-11.

So Ruben Amaro inherited a team with three bonafide superstar infielders and All-Star caliber players littering the rest of the diamond. He set out to win another World Series by bringing in marquee players and re-signing the ones he already had. Every significant move Amaro made, save the trading of Cliff Lee to Seattle after the 2009 season, was done in an effort to get this team back to the top of baseball. Here is a timeline of large moves Ruben made that you can’t argue with without the benefit of hindsight.

December 15, 2009 – Amaro trades prospects Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Drabek, and Michael Taylor to acquire Cy Young winning pitcher Roy Halladay. d’Arnaud has become the Mets every day cather as of 2014, he’s hitting 226. Kyle Drabek pitched two innings in 2013 and has not played Major League ball in 2014. We all know what Roy did here.

April 6, 2010 – Amaro inks Ryan Howard to a 5 year contract extension for 5 year $125 million that will begin in 2012. A few people may have been skeptical about this deal at the time, but if you polled folks that day on whether this was a bargain or a colossal fuck-up a large majority would have gone with the former.

July 29, 2010 – Amaro sends JA Happ and minor leaguers Anthony Gose and Jonathan Villar to Houston for Roy Oswalt. Gose and Villar are both still very young players getting playing time for the Blue Jays and Astros, neither is hitting above .240 for their career. Oswalt was thought to be a missing piece for the rotation.

December 15, 2010 – Might as well have been declared a holiday. Cliff Lee took a discount on the free-agent market to come play for the Phillies for 5 years $120 million. Euphoric would probably be the term for the city’s state of mind for the next 9 months.

July 29, 2011 – Go for broke time. With the Phillies pitching staff dominating the league Amaro sent Jonathan Singleton, Jarred Cosart, Josh Zeid and Domingo Santana to the Astros for Hunter Pence. This is the worst move in hindsight (if we’re not counting Howard’s contract as “a move”) but I’ll tell you there wasn’t one person saying “No way we don’t win the World Series now” when Pence came aboard. Singleton would be nice to have playing first base this year, essentially giving you the same thing Howard’s giving you, but at the age of 22 for about $24.5 million less.

Truth be told if the Phillies had won another title in the three subsequent years they reached the playoffs after 2008 the burden on every one would be a lot lighter. Two titles is something you can really hang your hat on. There's not much room left for complaint after two titles, not until the entire regime that won them has moved on anyway. But obviously, that was not how it went down.

The memory of the end of the 2011 season is almost as painful for Phillies fans as the injury was for Ryan Howard. The Phillies were never the same, but that’s where it started. That’s where Ruben Amaro Jr couldn’t for the life of him understand the shifting environment his team was going through. This is where the Phillies really started to fail mightily as an organization.

Nobody really knows if it’s Amaro making all of the bad and questionable decisions or if David Montgomery is pulling the wrong strings as well, but make no mistake about it, the Phillies have not made a meaningful good decision in years. Amaro gets and assuredly deserves the bulk of the blame. There’s no doubt it takes some luck to get back to the pinnacle of baseball, but there’s still smart ways to go about and not-so-smart ways to go about it. Shrewd is actually a better word, and Ruben Amaro has proven he’s the antithesis of a shrewd baseball man.

The Red Sox were able to win the World Series in 2013 after finishing in last place in 2012 through a series of shrewd baseball moves. They sent large contracts packing (Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez) and got lucky with older players still performing at peak levels. See Ortiz, David and Victorino, Shane.

So why aren’t the Phillies trying to follow a similar blueprint? All signs point to Ruben Amaro being delusional about the value of the decaying talent on his team. Amaro made no moves at the trade deadline for the second year in a row for a team that had no shot at contending. The reasoning for this is not complicated but it has layers. First of all, every player on this team with any value only has it in a marginal sense because they are past their prime. If a team were to take a chance on Chase Utley, or Marlon Byrd, or Jimmy Rollins it would essentially be a short-term rental because all of these guys are on the wrong side of 35 (not even 30, ha!). But therein lies the rub, Amaro structured the contracts for so many of his players with vesting options that could make the deals much longer and much more team un-friendly were they to vest. Was it really necessary to give Utley three vesting years in his 2 year contract?

Then there’s Amaro’s unwillingness to part ways with the players on his team without receiving something of close to immediate tangible value in return. As a fan, you can understand Ruben being gun shy about trading Cole Hamels or Chase Utley considering his track record in talent evaluation. If he sent somebody beloved packing and didn’t get anybody with Major League talent in return he knows he could finally get shown the door. Imagine how tough it is for Rube to walk around the city today and then imagine if he sent Cole Hamels packing without getting guys with serious potential. Yikes.

To prove Rube's lack of self-awareness, he stated that other teams "were not aggressive enough" when asked why he didn't make any moves at the trade deadline. Was he paying attention that day? From that kind of response it would appear that he wasn't. Did he not see big names changing cities by the hour from a multitude of teams? The Red Sox jettisoned their best two starters the year after they won a World Series because they run their team like it's a business. Ruben runs his team like it's a family business. That's not how it works.

Then there's Amaro’s biggest issue to date; and it is an organizational one. The Phillies do not know how to judge talent anymore. They nailed the following draft choices, fucking nailed them – Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Carlos Ruiz, and Cole Hamels. You can win a title with that core, as we know. For the life of me, I can’t come up with one player the Phillies have drafted since Hamels that has had a significant impact on this team. So when Roy Halladay, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Cliff Lee all shit the bed for either full seasons or what was left of their careers there is no one there to pick up the slack.

It’s naïve to think that Rube is the sole person responsible for the constant whiffing in the draft, but it’s also naïve to think he isn’t ultimately responsible. It’s like if Desean Jackson was still on the Eagles and got in trouble for speeding or causing an issue at a nightclub, it wouldn’t really be Chip Kelly’s fault but it reflects poorly upon the man in charge. Ruben is that man. Every last bit of talent evaluation below the Major League level has reflected poorly upon the Phillies and Ruben Amaro mostly, since he has taken over the top spot as GM. Meanwhile, he's turned every Phillies fan into Randy Quaid from Major League II. 

So there you have it folks, a sure fire archetype on how to turn a perennial contender into a team with little hope that can’t compete. Overpay and overextend contracts for past their prime players. Throw darts at draft boards and pray. And perhaps most of all, run into a serious case of bad luck with a precipitous decline in production from formerly top flight talent. If you had to bet, the Phillies won't be relevant again until Ruben is gone, and most likely for a few years after that. He is out of touch and the Phillies are out of options other than tearing down and rebuilding.