Alex Riley - A week or so ago I got a text from my buddy, aforementioned in this blog as the sabermetric foil to my homerism,
that he wanted to do a collaborative blog. When he pitched me on the “Hottest
Woman in the World Championship Belt” I responded “in” as fast as a 3 pitch Ryan Howard K. We are both readers of
the website Grantland and staff writer Bill Barnwell had recently published the
“Best Pitcher in the World Championship Belt” article. This piece has a similar premise, but a
very different theme as far as content is concerned. Here’s to explain.
– At any given time in a society/culture there is one “IT”
girl and one “IT” guy. People Magazine does a dumbass list of “Most Beautiful”
every year and there are probably others out there similar. But those shits are
a joke. People like “Drew Barrymore” win People's “Most Beautiful.” I have
literally never once in my life heard any guy OR girl say they are even mildly
attracted to Drew Barrymore. Drew CAREY has a better chance of having some
adoring fans than Drew Barrymore.
And even when these publications do choose someone decent
(Like Jennifer Lopez in 2011) they are always 5-10 (god damn sometimes 20!)
years too late. J-Lo in 2011 as most beautiful?!? American Idol J-Lo? 11 years
past her peak powers J-Lo? No wonder print media is dying.
So here is what we set out to do: Take a look at pop culture
both past and present to determine who was the “IT” girl of the year. They may
not have been the most talented, or even technically the “hottest” woman in the
world, but they had at least 1 moment (and likely multiple) that made them the
most desirable.
1 MAJOR important thing to note here: Ties almost always go
to the New Girl; undetermined potential matters. Think about the hot new girl
that transferred into your high school, being a new commodity was essential to
her winning the championship belt of your high school for that year. In a
society constantly obsessed with the next big thing, timing matters. We took
into account when the “contenders” were at the Peak of their Powers in
determining the winner of the year. Almost every year the Championship Winner
was simultaneously at the Peak of Her Powers. That's just how this thing works.
If you don’t fucking like it, go read People.
AR – and I were both born in and our recollections
of modern times began at about 1990, so that’s where we are deciding to start
this highly scientific process.
Said process probably would not have been able to take place prior to
the internet but thankfully we don’t live in a world where every piece of
information ever needed is readily available through a simple Google search.
So, like I said, this process. It basically boiled down to preliminary lists from both and myself consisting of 2-3 women for each
year. These lists were drawn up through endless scouring of different dubious
websites in order to confirm that no bra was left unseen, or bikini layout went
unnoticed. It took time, painstaking time to get through the necessary arduous
research required to compile a list that won’t have one dissenter. We’re
talking about just laying down facts for you over the course of this list.
From there we exchanged the lists and let them marinate for a
few days while we tried to think up somebody cool we might not have remembered.
We then got down to brass tax via FaceTime and bitched and moaned and bitched
and moaned about whom we thought was the best pick for each year. Some years
were tougher than others. When we brought our significant others in for some
reference on a particularly tough year, to literally no surprise, Jennifer
Aniston was whom the women sided with. Cementing Aniston as the female’s
female.
Admittedly, there were some tough omissions to make on this
list. Obviously, Jennifer Aniston was tough to leave off every single year, the same can be said for Jennifer Lopez. But
here is my list for my three most difficult omissions.
My Honorable Mentions:
My Honorable Mentions:
3. 1992 – Sharon Stone. If _______ wasn’t taking over the
world in 1992 Sharon Stone and the beaver she shot Newman (of all people!) in
Basic Instinct would have propelled her to the belt.
2. 1998 – Jennifer Love Hewitt. Basically, ____________ absolutely had to win a year and unfortunately for JLH, ________ was peaking in
1998. JLH was starring in Party of 5 and breaking hearts with the best of them
in Can’t Hardly Wait.
1. 2004 – Scarlett Johansson. The opening scene of Lost in
Translation is possibly a top 10 scene in movie history. It’s a travesty that
we left her off this list, but somehow she never peaked at quite the right time
for us.
Without further adieu.. take it away Michael.
– 1990 – Julia Roberts
Christ. Nelson Mandela freed from prison after 27 years and
this is all we had to show him? Egads. Sorry bud.
Anyways, Julia was 23, only a few years into her career and
relatively unknown around the country. Then came her starring role in Pretty
Woman, which she crushed by the way, and she was officially the “IT” girl every
guy fell in love with. I was 5 at the time and was more interested in trucks
than women but do distinctly remember seeing the VHS cover of Pretty Woman at
my babysitters house with Julia Roberts in a pink top, black skirt and those
long black boots. I remember thinking, “what the fuck am I doing playing with
trucks?” Once I saw the movie years later I totally get why she was huge at the
time. However, I would argue much of the appeal of her in those times was due
to the role (Spoiler Alert: she played an escort). Anyways, Congrats Julia
Roberts, you win the inaugural Championship Belt - Pretty Impressive stuff to
add to your already impressive resume.
AR – 1991– Cindy Crawford
Now we’re talking. I know, it was pretty shitty to start off
handing the belt to someone who was once married to this guy. But 1991, now we’re cooking with gas. Now we have someone you’re just reminiscing
on right now. And you’re saying to yourself maybe these guys do know what
they’re talking about because they got the right one baby.
Cindy Crawford was everything in 1991. She was married to Richard Gere, who w
as
the guy that made Roberts the IT girl in ’90. I mean damn, how do you think Gere
felt rolling up to the Oscars with Crawford on his arm. That’s eye-popping,
jaw-dropping, six-to-midnighting stuff right there.
If you were in a grocery store in 1991 there wasn’t a
Redbook, or Vogue, or People, or you name it magazine she didn’t grace the
cover of, and she made it sell. The most iconic thing about Crawford though,
her signature if you will, was that mole. Cindy had a mole just above her lip
on the left side of her cheek that gave an imperfection to her perfection. She
is the first, only, and last person to pull off a mole and have it make her
look even better.
Cindy Crawford folks, drink that in, she’s wearing that belt
proudly.
1992 – Madonna
Madonna was and still is to this day a Bad. Mother. Fucker.
Hell you could argue she won the entirety of the 1980s(!) and the 1990s(!). She
was and is a cultural icon. She paved the way for countless women on this list
and women in general. She scared the living shit out of the conservative right
AND the liberal left, moving the needle for women all over the globe. Madonna
done changed the game folks.
Think about this, Madonna was UNQUESTIONABLY the “IT” girl
of 1984 with the release of Like A Virgin. But somehow that wasn’t at the peak of
her power. Somehow she kept going strong for 8 years and not til 1992 did she
reach her apex (and probably didn’t come down for 10 years after that).
Check out her Wikipedia for 1992 – She starred in one of the
top films of the year “A League of Their Own,” founded Maverick records and
movie studio and released her 5th studio album Erotica. But 1992 will
always be remembered for Madonna releasing a book entitled Sex, containing explicit and
sexual imagery, which at $50 a pop sold 1.5 million copies in just a few days.
She was the biggest star in the world and released a book containing sexual and
obscene images of her alongside other A-List nude celebrities. Read that last
sentence again. Now imagine Beyonce does this tomorrow while convincing Katy
Perry, Kanye West and Kate Upton to appear alongside her.
Madonna: A. Bad. Mother. Fucker.
AR – 1993 – Tiffani Amber-Thiessen
Oh boy. Oh man, oh boy. Kelly Kapowski folks, that’s how we
all know her. We’ve gone from a woman dripping sex out of all orifices to a
teen queen that every red-blooded American man born between 1978 and 1988
dreamed about. Most people our age grew up watching Saved By the Bell and all
the guys wanted to be Zack Morris, he was cool, popular, and good looking. But more than anything we wanted
his girlfriend. Kelly Kapowski was hands down the best looking girl at Bayside,
and hands down the IT girl of 1993.
She was a senior in high school and had a look that was
girl-next-door mixed with bombshell. She had a charisma about her that made you
oooh and ahh the same way the audience would when she made out with Zack on the show. Her coy smile when Zack did something that impressed her
made me melt, among other things. Her high cheekbones and voluptuous curves
defined her look, as well as somewhat dated big 90s hair but nobody is
complaining, then or now. That summer the Bayside kids spent at Malibu Beach
Club was the summer I learned to appreciate a green 1 piece more than ever..
Diaz, 21, a 2-bit model with no acting experience before
being cast as the X chromosome to Jim Carrey’s Y, in 1994’s The Mask, exploded
onto the scene and hasn’t really looked back since. She may not have been the
most beautiful or even had the biggest career that year but she was the
quintessential “IT” girl: New, Fun, and not to shabby to look at.(Riley's Note: Diaz peaked looks wise in that picture you see right there)
Pam Anderson folks. Almost enough said, but we’ll get into
it. 1995, we’re talkin’ Peak Powers Pam. Baywatch Pam. Playboy Pam. Sex Tape
Pam. Pam did for running in slow motion on a beach what Michael Jordan did for
basketball. There wasn’t a man on the planet who didn’t find the platinum
blond, fake breasted, strikingly attractive woman the IT girl of 1995.
She married Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, after knowing him
for only four days, in 1995 and her fame skyrocketed from there. We all know
why. I’ve seen it. You’ve probably seen it. If you haven’t seen it, you should
probably do yourself a favor and figure out the internet to go see it. She was
the Jackie Robinson of celebrity sex tapes, and like most celebrity sex tapes
it was disappointing but obviously still worth seeing. So when you’ve been compared to Michael
Jordan and Jackie Robinson in consecutive paragraphs you know you’ve found a
woman who reached an apex that some women will never be capable of hitting. Pam
Anderson is an IT girl icon.
1996 – Salma Hayek
Man, 1996. If I don’t say so myself, the world was really
starting to hit its stride. Rock N Jock
Basketball (and Softball!) was a thing, The East Coast/West Coast Rap Rivalry
was at its peak (RIP Pac, RIP Big), and there was like a 5 woman race for the
yearly championship belt. Look at this lineup of contenders in 1996: Jennifer
Aniston, Posh Spice, Carmen Electra, (At her PEAK) and Jenny McCarthy (Yea the
weirdo Ecig, non medicine giving to children Jenny McCarthy.) Not to mention
Alicia Silverstone, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Love Hewitt. What an incredible
year.
However, the public became a little tired of the Pam
Anderson bleach blond barbie look and was looking to go in another direction.
You might even say that the public was “Desperado”letly looking for the next
big thing, and boy oh boy did they find her, when a little known
Mexican-American actress named Salma Hayek starred in Desperado. There are some
scenes in that movie that well, ahem, really capture your imagination. Congrats
Salma.
AR – 1997 – Tyra Banks
Tyra Banks hit the scene when I was first, we’ll say, discovering myself. I’m slightly embarrassed thinking back on those swimsuit
issues she dawned the cover of in the mid to late 90s including that beauty you
see right there. Like Rusty asked his cousin in the original Vacation, “How do
you use a magazine?” Hmmpphh.
Tyra was devastating. How could she be built like that? That
tall? That thin? That stacked?! Seriously, of all the women on this list, and
this list is built around incredible women, Tyra might have the most naturally
gifted physique. Despite the odd hairline nobody had IT more than Tyra did in
1997. The swimsuit issues speak for themselves but the Victoria’s Secret ads,
catalogs, and fashion shows also made her presence ubiquitous and you could not
get enough of this striking creature who had more physical assets than any
female rightly should possess.
An All-Timer. A 5 tool player. A First Ballot Hall of Famer
and when she’s gone we might even retire her number. Was something like top 3
in 8 different years and top 5 in 12. Is the gold standard of “Men Want to Be
With Her and Women Want to Be Her. (Well until that whole Brangelina thing. Too soon?)
Jen won 98 for 3 reasons:
1) Her
role on Friends – Personally I never got into Friends. You are either a
Seinfeld guy or a Friends guy. You are either a Louis CK guy or Tosh.0. You’re
either smart or dumb. It’s not that hard. But I can’t deny that Friends was
Ha-Yuge in 1998, and Jen was the shining star of the female cast members.
Courtney Cox started aging pretty quickly. The other one no one remembers and
that that pretty much left Jen to crush it, which she did.
2) Women's Haircuts – Women. Love. Jen’s. Hair. It’s a scientific fact. Don’t ask me how I
know this but I do and its real. Just take my word for it, Jen’s influenced
more haircuts than the Rastafari Movement, Hasidic Jews, and Neo Nazi’s combined.
3) Her
smile – Lets get cute. Its her most endearing quality and in my opinion the key
to her stardom. She smiles and we all forget how bad an actress she is :)
AR – 1999 – Britney Spears
These were the days when Carson Daly and TRL ruled
everything in the teenage culture and Britney permeated through that to all walks of life. Later that year she posed on the cover of Rolling Stone (as an 18 year
old) in what can only be described as a scantily clad bedtime outfit. This
drove everybody nuts in a different way. Boys ages 12 to 90 felt happy in pants.
Women age 12-25 were insanely jealous. Women 26 to 90 were mostly disgusted. Conservative Christians called for a boycott of her
albums. Any move like that is always going to backfire as we know children tend
to rebel against repressive parents. Any publicity is good publicity and Spears
had it all in 1999. Ugghh.. to be in 8th grade (shout out to Strayer middle school!) and thinkin bout
Britney Spears again.
Oh boy. Before we can go any further we all need to be on
the same page. Please take 4 minutes and 9 seconds and watch the entirety of this music video.
Oh boy. Starts slow. Picks up right around 2:10 with just a
tease of a dance. Gives us a close up at 3:00. Symbolism at 3:37? And then the
closing sequence starting at 3:41.
I am standing up clapping. Are you standing up clapping?
Beyond the obvious, here is why this video was so great. This was released in
late late 1999 and all you wanted to do for 6 solid months was watch this
video. And it was 1999! There was no
Youtube or Vevo for instant viewing pleasure. There was no on demand! You had
to wait! Which made it that much better. Seeing this video and seeing JLo was
like seeing a Unicorn for a split-second. You caught just enough to know you
saw it but not enough to adequately describe it to your friends. 
Then JLo went and wore “The Dress Heard Round The World” to
the Grammy’s and there was no more needing to describe JLo to our friends. We
all knew at that instant. There were no words that needed to be spoken. The
competition was over.
The fact that JLo starred in multiple movies that year, was
dating Sean "P Diddy" Combs and was releasing single after banging single really
didn’t matter. From the time she wore that dress, she was on every magazine
cover known to man, from Maxim to Home and Garden. Everyone, even grandmothers
knew JLo was the “IT” girl of the year. And when rumor leaked that her ass was
insured for something like $3 Million Dollars, her public profile ballooned
and the size of her victory only increased. Even with other strong contenders
for the belt in 2000, JLo pulled away like Secretariat in 1973,
just like a Horse’s Ass would.
AR – Give me a minute, I’m still recovering from Peak Jennifer
Lopez. I can’t type the words I’m thinking, but hopefully you’re all with me on
this one. Wow, just wow. Let’s give JLo a round of applause for doing her
thing. We’re all better for it.AR – 2001 – Halle Berry
If I was a betting man I would have put anything down on JLo
repeating in 2001, but rules are rules and there’s always a new challenger
worthy to take the throne. And if any woman was worthy to wrestle the belt away
from JLo it had to be the inconceivably beautiful Halle Berry. Halle rose
through the ranks and had quite a few films under her belt by the end of the
90s. She was always incredibly attractive, but the 90s style she employed never
did her Justice, get it?
At the turn of the century you probably couldn’t find a woman more appealing than Halle Berry. If you polled 100 men in 2001 who did the best back-to-back movies with nudity? 107 would say Halle Berry. Fresh off a cool half million dollar bonus paycheck for appearing topless in 2000’s Swordfish (hold on, I’m having palpitations)…. Halle got taken to the cleaners in a graphically passionate sex scene in 2001’s Monster’s Ball by Bill Bob Thornton. Billy made her feel good. (Hang on ma!)… Halle’s performance in that, as a poverty stricken widow who also just lost her son earned her an Oscar (Why’d Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar? Jadakiss wonders) and solidified her decision to get down and dirty with Billy Bob. Sidenote, Billy Bob may have won 2001 for dudes by getting to do that scene with Halle and being married to a batshit sexually crazy Angelina Jolie – give Billy Bob a hand for killing it with mediocre looks.
So Halle Berry folks. If Justin Timberlake brought sexy
back, she brought nudity for A-List actresses back. She earned this belt. God,
Halle Berry. Fannnntastic.
2002 – Tara Reid
Buckle up, the next few are a bit rough.
Say what you will about Tara Reid today, but she was a stone
cold fox in 2002. Skinny, blonde, with a raspy voice to die for, everyone had a
little thing for Tara.
Coming off of a small part in The Big Lebowski, a little
larger part in American Pie and an even larger part in American Pie 2, Tara
finally got her own starring role in Van Wilder opposite of Ryan Reynolds.
(Sidenote: This is a horribly underrated movie) This was maybe probably
definitely Tara’s last great day in the public eye as it has been an epic
spiral down the poop shoot since the release of Van Wilder.
But Tara was definitely the “IT” girl of 2002. She was most
definitely at the peak of her powers and it seemed like she would be there for
some time. (who would have thought her next half decent(?) movie would come 11
years later as a straight to TV SyFy network mock-movie called Sharknado?)
Congrats Tara, For God's Sake I hope this helps.
AR – 2003 – Paris Hilton
Ugh. Let’s just say 03 was an off year. I’m considering
Paris the least qualified person on this list but hey we don’t repeat and Paris
did have one hell of a year in 2003. Thankfully, she’s all but removed from
memory now. Unthankfully, depending on
who you are and where your allegiances lie, she’s the second most responsible
person for bringing us Kim Kardashian. OJ being the first. (: I would argue shes the third. OJ the first,
Ray J the second)
Back to Paris. She became famous for the same reason Kim did, but unlike Kim
and Pam her sex tape was half decent. I won’t go into serious details, but the
non-night vision scenes of “1 Night in Paris” were solid, pun intended. I’m all
bias here and Paris just doesn’t do it for me, this is a tough one to have to
write about. She’s a stick figure with zero personality to show for herself. If
you watched her reality show “The Simple Life” with Lionel Richie’s daughter you
should be ashamed of yourself you know that she did not have an ounce of
work ethic or sense of reality in that slender frame of hers. She was big. She
was attractive. Let’s move on.
Somewhere on the Internet is a 25,000 word opus to 2004
Lindsay Lohan. There has to be.
2004 Lindsay was just coming off Freaky Friday and Mean
Girls and even released a solo album that went platinum! Bet you didn’t know
that! Before anybody realized what happened Lindsay was running Hollywood and was
seemingly everywhere. She partied every night, hung out with the biggest names
in the industry and everyone, I repeat, everyone
loved her. Moms, Grandmas, black, white, old, young, poor, rich; Everyone.
She was the ideal “MTV” girl that every teenager, male or
female loved. Lindsay had the classic girl next-door look (and I believe is the
only girl next door on this list). She seemed sweet and down to earth but also someone who
would party you under the table and then make fun of you before kissing you
goodnight. Chicks dug her cause she was the nice girl in Mean Girls and so they
felt she would be that way in real life too. She was cooler than all of us but
if we ever got to hang out with her we felt like she wasn’t going to flaunt it.
We liked that about Lindsay.
10 years later and your girlfriend/fiancé/wife will probably
throw up if you say anything nice about Lindsay Lohan. Hell, they would prefer
you say you want to sleep with Miley Cyrus before Lindsay Lohan. That’s how far
her train has rolled off the tracks.
But hey, now is not a time of sorrow, it’s a time of
celebration. So grab a beer Lindsay, congratulations on winning 2004!
AR – 2005 – Angelina Jolie
Now we’re talkin my language. A woman I can sink my teeth
into, if you will. Jon Voight’s daughter spent a lot of time kicking ass in
2005. Brad Pitt dumping Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie that year was like
the Kennedy Assassination of celebrity breakups into hookups. Did that really
happen? Did the best looking guy on the planet leave the second best looking
woman on the planet for the best looking woman on the planet? Yes, yes it did.
This was a monumentally epic celebtastic event. Even Kanye mused “Got a new bitch now you
Jennifer Aniston.”
The whole thing went down because Jolie got cast opposite
Pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Angelina showed she could hold her own with her new
man which nobody took as a surprise considering her acting credits prior to
this film. The movie was a huge success thanks in part to the gossip
surrounding Hollywood’s biggest power couple.
Jolie is a one-of-a-kind beauty. She has an exotic look with
cheekbones Rocky would cut his knuckles on, eyes that would make Brad Pitt weak in
the knees, and lips, Jesus H. Christ those lips on Angelina Jolie! Is there a
reason why she hasn’t been getting paid millions for Chap-Stick or Bert’s Bees
with those lips? Seriously, the lip moisturizing market is missing out on a
killer opportunity for a spokesmodel. She’s just top notch from head to toe. I’ve
only discussed her enchanting face at this point, but if you’ve ever seen Gia
or Orginal Sin you know she’s got the goods when the clothes come off as well.
Stamp this one folks, Jolie raises a bit above most and puts her mark all over
this belt in 05.
2006 – Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan)
OK, let's clear the air first before we go anywhere else.
Entourage sucks. Go back and try to watch that garbage now. Absolutely
horrible. But during the airing of the first 2 seasons, it was a fun 30
minutes, a last hooray on Sunday night before facing the doldrums of work the
next day.
Not to mention that Entourage was basically just a show
about 4 guys walking around Hollywood hitting on hot chicks. And through the
hundreds (thousands?) of beautiful women that you saw in scenes on Entourage,
no one, and I mean no one stood out more than Sloan. Completely and utterly
unknown before showing up on Entourage, you could hear the entire male
demographic simultaneously utter the words “Oh my god..who the FUCK is that?!?!”
when she first appeared on screen. I’m shaking my head just thinking about her.
As a people I think its fair to say we were all in awe of Sloan.
Obviously, I have never met Sloan and I know none of you
schleps have either but I think we can agree on this: Sloan is the only woman
on this list, and probably one of few in the world, we could marry shotgun
style in Vegas and bring home to our parents, and our mothers would be proud.
More than proud. Our mothers would cry they were so happy. And then Sloan
would cry because she was so happy. And then Sloan and our mothers would
become instant best friends and go to spin class together. They would go out to
brunch and have mimosas and then when it was over they would text nice things
about us behind our back. And the surprise parties. I bet Sloan plans the best
surprise parties. With burgers, and mac salad and cupcakes, and beer. Lots of
ice cold beer. And all of our friends, past and new. (sigh)
Man, you guys. Sloan is so great.
AR – 2007 – Megan Fox
Fox, albeit for a short period of time, was the kind of hot
that was painful to look at. She gave you a feeling in your gut that moved
south, you felt good about Megan Fox whenever she was in your sites. She was
always in some impossibly scant clothing that accentuated everything Fox. Her
acting was a bit wooden, along with the men who watched her, and she always
seemed to be squinting her way through scenes. These facts, along with her
marriage to David Silver from the original 90210, may have led to her falling
off a bit. At her peak though, in 2007, you were hard pressed to find someone
more men were talking about and yearning after than Megan.
2008 – Kim Kardashian
This was going to go to Adriana Lima but REMIXXXX we are giving it to Kim and there is no debate.
This was going to go to Adriana Lima but REMIXXXX we are giving it to Kim and there is no debate.
Early Kim was a 100% lockdown smoke-show (and if you
disagree you're lying to yourself or have awful memory), But here's why Kim gets
the title in 2008:
2003: Kim makes a sextape with R&B artist Ray J
2003-2004ish – Kim becomes friends with Paris Hilton
2004-2006ish – Kim starts showing up in gossip magazines
first as a “socialite” and then as a model. This 2-3 year period was essential
for Kim winning 2008 because there was aura of mystery surrounding her. You’d
have one friend who would be like, “you ever seen Kim Kardashian? Girl is crazy
hot. She got an Ass so fat you could see it from the front.” And you would be
like, “who and or what are you talking about? And I have told you 100 times to
please stop quoting Mos Def in normal conversations dude. Its weird and you can’t rap.”
2007 – Kim’s sex tape with Ray J is “leaked”
2007 – Kim signs on with E! to film Keeping Up with The
Kardashians
Later 2007 – Kim poses for Playboy
The rest as they say is history.
There are two sure-fire ways to being in contention for the
Championship Belt. 1) Burst on the scene a la Cameron Diaz in ’94. And 2)
Construct a perfect career arc that builds over time creating a mystique around
your persona and only revealing bits and pieces at a time.
Kim was in a couple shitty movies in 08 along with Dancing
with the Stars and her stupid TV show. But the damage was already done. No one
was debated more, talked about more and sought after more than Kim K in 2008.
It pains me to hand it over, but Congrats Kim you earned(?) it. (Riley's note: Kanye's pissed he didn't get mentioned and pissed she didn't win every year from 03 on.)
AR – 2009 – Rihanna
Bad Gal Ri Ri, as she likes to call herself. By 2009 she was
definitely in full good girl gone bad mode and the world was eating it up. She
released “Rated R” and Rude Boy could not stop annoying the shit out of most
guys who listened to it, regardless you had to listen to it. It wasn’t
necessarily her music that made her so big, but more her crazy persona. Of course in 2009 that prick/asshole/idiot boyfriend at the time Chris Brown beat her up and somehow has stayed in somewhat good graces with her. She
took that licking and kept on ticking. Her outrageous hair, provocative outfits
and outstanding body made her shoot to the top of the 2009 list.
Bad Gal Ri Ri, as she likes to call herself. By 2009 she was
definitely in full good girl gone bad mode and the world was eating it up. She
released “Rated R” and Rude Boy could not stop annoying the shit out of most
guys who listened to it, regardless you had to listen to it. It wasn’t
necessarily her music that made her so big, but more her crazy persona. Of course in 2009 that prick/asshole/idiot boyfriend at the time Chris Brown beat her up and somehow has stayed in somewhat good graces with her. She
took that licking and kept on ticking. Her outrageous hair, provocative outfits
and outstanding body made her shoot to the top of the 2009 list. 
Woof. This one is a boring. Not much to really see here
folks. 2010 kinda blew.
Tale of the Tape: Really hot. Great name. Started dating
Andy Roddick during his peak and eventually married him. Yada Yada Yada she
wins the title.
Next!
AR – 2011 – Mila Kunis
Yesus. Pretty stoked my year came up to write about Mila. I’ll
start by saying I’m not normally an eyes guy, but Mila Kunis’ eyes are hands
down the best in the business. Here are some superfluous adjectives to describe
them; captivating, mesmerizing, enchanting, hypnotizing. That’s it, I think
I got it with hypnotizing. You look at this woman and you are hypnotized. She’d
been on the scene for a while with That 70s Show but things really started to
turn for her when she played the love interest in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In
that role, she was simultaneously the coolest chick and the hottest chick you
could ever come across. Job well done there.
Anyway, by 2011 Mila was a full blown firestorm. Black Swan
came out in December 2010 and people did not stop talking about that lesbianic
episode (With Natalie Portman no less!!) until, well people are still talking
about it as you can see. In ’11 she starred opposite Justin Timberlake in
Friends with Benefits as once again the coolest and hottest girl you could ever
possibly come across. There’s something about the roles she plays and/or
chooses that endears you to her and gives her a bit of an everyday girl quality
when in fact she’s about as far from everyday looks as it gets. Perhaps, this
came about because she was a bit of a late bloomer. If you watch those early
episodes of That 70s Show she hadn’t quite grown into the stunner she is today.
I took a look at her Wikipedia and she won just about every award you can win
having to do with a kiss (with Portman) or just being the hottest girl on the
planet. 2011 was a no-brainer. It’d be a pleasure to see Mila wearing the belt,
only the belt.
2012 – Kate Upton
AR – 2013 – Emily Ratajowski
2014 – Beyonce
In my lifetime Super Bowl halftime shows are usually where
musicians go to die (see Peas, Black-Eyed). Each year they announce some half-assed artist and we all kind of nod our heads, shrug and say cool. We know the
halftime show will kind of suck but will keep us somewhat entertained and if
nothing else provide excellent background noise while we are plowing down our 3rd
bowl of Chili covered Pizza Bagel Bites.
Then… things got a bit ahem, “Blurry” with Emily Ratajowski
and we all know how that ended.
AR: Man, took a while to get through that. Props to for the idea and his splendid contributions. This is really all I have to say.
There were a few unanimous decisions, no questions asked
nominees on this list. Pam in 95, Britney (bitch) in ’99, Jenny from the Block
in 2000, Halle Berry in 01, and Kate Upton in 2012. Christ, it seemed like
everyday for a year someone would send me a pic, gif or youtube video of this
broad. Remember the Fembots in Austin Powers? That’s Kate Upton; Smoke’s coming
out of her Jumblies.
She won the cover of Sports Illustrated in 2012 and then repeated in 2013. She
also danced the Cat Daddy and Dougie on her way to
absolutely destroying 2012. Speaking of the Cat Daddy dance, that gif wasn’t
the first gif I ever saw, but its definitely the first gif I remember.
To be honest, she hit at the perfect time when Twitter was
finally becoming a household necessity and smartphones had finally figured out
how to dominate our everyday lives. Kate spread like absolute wild-fire in
2012. I credit this to not only her incredible good looks but her flirtatious
attitude in public. With her smile, laugh and silliness, she’s made a career of
making every guy believe theres
a chance.
AR – 2013 – Emily Ratajowski
You know what the best job was in 2013? It’s actually not
even close. The best job in 2013 was the casting director for Robin Thicke’s Blurred
Lines video. Seriously! Can you imagine being in that room? Here’s a sample ad
they ran to get women to show up to be cast in this video:
Please find the girl with the most amazing breasts on the planet.
And HOLY SHIT THEY NAILED IT!!!
Oh, you haven’t seen the video that put Emily Ratajowski on
the map? Here it is – Blurred Lines – don’t click that if you’re at work. It’s
necessary viewing. I’ll wait while you watch.
…
How was that shower?
So that’s Emily, in all her glory, just kickin it in that
video. She’s parlayed that video, obviously, into a burgeoning modeling career.
She just appeared on the cover of GQ, man what a spread! But 2013, shoooootttt,
still can’t get over that video. What a novel concept eh? They said find the
woman with the best breasts on the planet, they found her, and they made her
dance around topless for 3 and a half minutes. Maybe it was objectifying women
a bit, but sex always sells and 2013 was no different.
Still sittin here thinkin about that video. Gawd. Emily.
Ratajowski. 2013. Hottest. Woman. On. The. Planet.
2014 – Beyonce
Lets rewind for a second. Its February 3rd, 2013
and its Super Bowl Sunday in New Orleans, Louisiana. The Baltimore Ravens are
playing the San Francisco 49ers when all of a sudden a Be-Fucking-Yonce concert
breaks out.
In my lifetime Super Bowl halftime shows are usually where
musicians go to die (see Peas, Black-Eyed). Each year they announce some half-assed artist and we all kind of nod our heads, shrug and say cool. We know the
halftime show will kind of suck but will keep us somewhat entertained and if
nothing else provide excellent background noise while we are plowing down our 3rd
bowl of Chili covered Pizza Bagel Bites.
What I loved about this moment was that at the time, Beyonce
was probably the biggest vocalist in America, but still felt like she wasn’t
given her due (and to be fair, she wasn’t). Her albums were selling out in
days, her concerts in minutes and she was almost unanimously praised by the
media. But she wanted more. She wasn’t satisfied with that. She knew there were
still skeptics out there that didn’t see her greatness. And she fucking crushed
it at the Super Bowl. Man, Woman, Child sat still and witnessed Beyonce at that
Superbowl and we ALL started etching her name onto the 2013 Championship Belt.
Then… things got a bit ahem, “Blurry” with Emily Ratajowski
and we all know how that ended.
So why Beyonce in 2014? Well because that’s a stupid fucking
question. Have you seen this? Or this? Or maybe even this?
What I can only assume is genuine anger and disappointment;
Bey released a secret album in December of 2013 (After Emily Ratajowski’s
victory had been leaked to the press) which officially shut the internet down
for several days. She then went on to announce a Mega World Tour with Jay Z that
literally every single one of my friends, family members, colleagues,
acquaintances, twitter crushes, and enemies has been to.
Bey could have won in 2008. She could have easily one in
2010. For a while now she been the “hottest chick in the game” (Credit HOV), but
not til 2014 did she finally nab the Championship Belt.
