Your Arrogance Offends Me

Editor's Note: The majority of the post was written prior to the signing of Demarco Murray.

Chip Kelly - Commander in Chief

I really considered Chip Kelly a borderline genius. He has seemed to make an offense go even when you’re not sure why it should. I don’t know that I doubt the man as a coach, but now that he’s taken over the player personnel responsibilities of the Philadelphia Eagles it feels like he’s let his ego get the better of him.

I keep going back to the Liam Neeson line from Taken when he talks to the thugs he knows are responsible for kidnapping his daughter.

“Your arrogance offends me”

 

I don’t think I’ve ever encountered arrogance like I’ve seen from Chip Kelly. I’ve felt it since he showed up here from Oregon but its been validated over the past 72 hours. I’ve never encountered a man who feels he’s more above talent than Chip Kelly. It's like he thinks anybody can do the things his talented former players can do, just because they play football for him.

I feel like I’m in a nightmare starring Andy Reid’s evil brother. As Eagles fans, we enjoyed great times with Reid. You can’t take away from the success he had here, but in the end when the talent ran out, in part because of Reid’s “I’m smarter than every one else here” attitude, Reid was unbearable. 

Reid talked down to the media. Condescension was thick. He did what he wanted to do and fulfilled his obligations to the media in a way that would make Greg Popovich seem endearing. And you know what? Andy Reid had a proven track record to give him some leeway to have that kind of attitude. He was responsible for picking Brian Westbrook in the 3^rd round and Trent Cole in the 5^th. He picked Donovan McNabb over Ricky Williams.  He might not have won a Super Bowl but he came closer than anybody else in Eagles history.

So what am I talking so much about Reid for?

Because Chip Kelly is making me miss Big Red and I’m the same guy who called for Reid’s head in this 2012 post.

Chip certainly came in hot during the 2013 season, setting Eagles scoring records and running an offense at a pace the likes of which nobody had ever seen in the NFL. He had a great regular season run fueled by a miraculous half-luck, half-talent, half-system aided all-time performance from quarterback Nick Foles.

Foles had a career year. Desean Jackson had a career year. Lesean McCoy had a career year. For chrissake Riley Cooper had a career year.

Remarkably, impossibly, insanely, Riley Cooper is the only one still employed by Jeffrey Lurie.

The Desean release just still grinds my gears. It’s the first domino in a mindset decision wise that has really trended the opposite of common sense and into the direction that Chip Kelly knows something we as fans don’t. Of course, Chip should know things we don't know as fans, but it'd be nice if any of those things seemed to make sense in making the Eagles a better football team.

It’s like I always have to talk myself into whatever Chip is trying to do, but logic gets in my way. Here’s what it’s like for me trying to justify the jettisoning of proven talent in my own head.

So long Desean..

If we forget about all of the off the field stuff for a minute, can you find a more valuable receiver to an offense than a guy like Desean Jackson? There’s just so many things he can influence positively that there is no way he isn’t worth the money if he’s performing at a peak level. Even the casual fan can understand that Desean Jackson has the kind of speed that worries a defense. It’s gamebreaking speed. It’s the kind of thing that can’t be replaced.You can’t tell me that the Eagles offense wouldn’t have been better this year if Desean Jackson wasn’t out there being Desean Jackson. But since we had him under contract we must’ve got something in return for him right? No, the smear campaign that the Eagles PR squad punted on didn’t do much for Jackson’s trade value, but a guy who just put up 1300+ yards and 9 TD has to be worth something right? Nope, we just cut him.  

Jackson's absence had to make things harder on the Eagles offense in 2014. You don’t think Lesean McCoy may have suffered a bit from safeties not being worried about Jeremy Maclin or Riley Cooper getting behind them? You don’t think Lesean McCoy may have struggled a bit if he had to run behind an offensive line that started 10 different men? Oh, Shady still ran for 1300+ yards for the third time in the last four years and is only 27? Okay. Shady did have a ton of touches and you always have to sell high on a running back. What did we get back? Shady has to be worth quite a bit performing at that kind of level and is still a few years before his age 30 season. Oh. We got back Kiko Alonso from the Buffalo Bills in exchange for Shady? What did he do last year I don’t follow the Bills that closely? Oh, he tore his ACL and didn’t play the whole season? Okay, at least he was really good his rookie year when he came out of Oregon... So the Birds have cleared some cap space and sent Shady packing. It’s hard to take because a guy with talent like that does not come around too often, but of course Chip’s system can allow anybody to plug in at running back and be productive. He knows what he’s doing.




Pour one out for your Eagles 25 jersey..

So now what’s this? Chip doesn’t think it’s necessary to re-sign Jeremy Maclin? Wow, Maclin is coming off a year just about as good as Desean’s 2013. He didn’t even have the benefit of Desean attracting attention on the other side of the field. He must’ve wanted a ton of money? Oh, it was reported to be a difference of $2 million between what the Eagles offered and where he signed with the Kansas City Chiefs? I guess all that extra cap space wasn’t for a guy who obviously has the chops of a premier wide receiver. Man, that leaves us with Riley Cooper as our number one wide receiver. Okay? I guess.


We hardly knew ya Jeremy. Hey Andy..

Oh. My. God. Chip is trading Nick Foles for Sam Bradford? The same former number one overall pick Sam Bradford that has blown out his knee two consecutive years running? The same Sam Bradford that underwhelmed in St. Louis even when he was healthy?! Okay, the Eagles at least had to have gotten some compensation back from the Rams considering Foles is able-bodied and has a record of success from the past two years that can’t even compare to Bradford’s inability to stay on the field. Oh, what’s that? The Eagles actually gave up next year’s second round pick in this deal? You’ve got to be kidding me! What does Chip know that we don’t?!? He’s officially gone off the rails after this move. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how you’d want to give it a go with Sam Bradford over Nick Foles. To be fair, I don’t think either of these guys has what it takes to win a Super Bowl but the biggest kicker for me feeling like Chip has lost any form of a cohesive plan is the money owed to Sam Bradford. I thought we traded Lesean McCoy because he made too much money? At least McCoy was productive. Sam Bradford is coming in to Philadelphia with a $12.9 million salary and a $16.9 million hit against the salary cap. So let me recap this deal. The Eagles traded Nick Foles, a guy who went 14-4 under Chip Kelly and is scheduled to make $1.4 million this year, for Sam Bradford who if he can stay healthy through training camp will be stepping foot on an NFL field for the first time in 22 months. That’s hard to take and hard to understand as a fan of the Eagles. The fact that Chip also gave up a second round pick in the deal is staggering. There is a slim amount of solace in the deal in that the Eagles do receive a conditional 3^rd or 4^th round pick from the Rams in 2016 if Bradford cannot stay on the field. I just don’t get it..

So what could possibly come next?

Miraculously, Chip was able to fall ass backwards into saving face the day after it appeared like he fell flat on it. Somehow hated rival Demarco Murray of the Dallas Cowboys was expressing interest that he wanted to come play for the Chipper. Somehow, some way, Chip and the Eagles were able to sign the biggest free agent on the market in reigning offensive player of the year Murray.

You have to thank Chip’s offensive system, and most likely Murray's former Oklahoma Sooner teammate Sam Bradford, for attracting a talent like that but the acquisition still feels odd to me. I have my doubts that Chip Kelly expected to have Sam Bradford and Demarco Murray as his QB1 and RB1 heading into the 2015 draft. I certainly could be wrong, but it just feels to me that he got lucky that Murray was still available and was willing to sign with the Eagles after Chip’s world seemed to be crashing down on him. The fact that the Eagles still signed oft-injured running back Ryan Matthews the same day they signed Murray also is quite perplexing considering the Eagles could sorely use a wide receiver with the loss of Maclin. But hey, I'm sure Chip knows something we don't.

Welcome to the squad Demarco

The bottom line is that Chip made about 13 straight moves that displayed an increasing level of arrogance. To some degree you need that ego to get to the level he is at, but  when you haven’t won jack shit in the NFL it remains to be seen whether that kind of superciliousness is warranted. You see arrogance from coaches all the time. Bill Belichik comes to mind. I follow Phil Jackson on Twitter and that guy is just a smug prick. But you don’t think of Belichick and Jackson without thinking about Brady, Jordan, Kobe and Shaq. Right now I think about Chip Kelly and I think about Desean Jackson and Lesean McCoy, so he can tone down that arrogance a bit until he actually wins something.

Dysfunction Junction

Killer jumpsuit Rube

“Ruben Amaro flew the plane straight into the mountain,” John Gallagher.

That pretty much sums up the last 3 years of Phillies baseball and another season lacking hope is staring us Phillies fans straight in the eye.

The 2015 Phillies will play meaningful games in just over a month and the atmosphere promises to be one of the most awkward and dysfunctional settings possible. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read the different headlines coming out of Clearwater. Today marks the first day of a full squad practice but let’s take a look at what has been happening since the Phils finished the 2014 season last in the NL East.

We’ll start with the Ryan Howard in the room. Ruben put his hand on the table during the offseason; the only problem was he wasn’t holding any face cards. Somehow he thought it beneficial to announce to the media that the Phillies would be better off not having Howard on the roster. He took that one from the “No Shit!” department, but where was the gain in saying that? Maybe he thought he needed even less leverage with teams looking to acquire the highest paid position player in the MLB who happens to be aged, oft-injured, and no longer capable of slugging over .400. Maybe he wanted to have painfully awkward conversations with Ryan when no trade offers came in and Ryan remained on the team. Maybe he wanted to have to answer difficult questions from the media regarding Howard. It seems like he must have wanted to have to do these things considering what he said.

With the money Howard is owed, $60 million guaranteed for the next two seasons (25 this year and next then a $10 million buyout for 2017), it was already going to be next to impossible to trade him considering his lack of production. Ruben had to know this considering everybody who half-heartedly follows the Phillies knows this. So I repeat, what did he have to gain by saying publicly that the Phillies would be better off without Ryan Howard? The answer to that question is an even more dysfunctional clubhouse. There’s no reason you can’t say Ryan Howard is our first baseman to the media and then quietly shop him to every team willing to listen. At least it shows a more united front and doesn’t put Howard in the position to come into spring training absolutely dreading having to speak to the media.

Regardless of how he plays it will be interesting to watch Ryan Howard compete this year. How will he carry himself? How many games will he play? How many homers will he hit? How many times will he strikeout on a breaking ball down and away? I’m intrigued just getting to watch him still play every day, it’s like a science experiment.

Ruben is like the anti-Sam Hinkie. Did they both really go to Stanford? Sam at least seems to have a plan, whether you like it or not. Ruben is just lost at sea without a life jacket.

Next we have the only player on the Phillies that other teams find desirable. Once again, Ruben let it be known that Cole Hamels was on the trading block. Once again, I don’t see the need for the public display of lacking affection. It’s obvious that the Phillies are not operating from a position of power in the trade market, and Ruben continually places them in a place with less bargaining power by opening his mouth about what he’s trying to do. The writing is on the wall Rube, so there’s no need to read it aloud.

So last week USA Today broke a story with quotes from Hamels saying that he wants to compete but that the Phillies aren’t going to do that, essentially saying he wants out. That really gives the fans a warm and fuzzy feeling about the team’s best player. You understand where Hamels is coming from, but when you’re still owed $96 million from the only team that’s ever employed you it’s hard to take.

The goal will be for Hamels to pitch his ass off for the first few months of the season so that the Phillies can land the biggest return possible for him. It’s a shitty goal to root for, but that’s the reality.

Meanwhile, the ticking time bomb that is Jonathan Papelbon on a losing team has remained fairly quiet during this off season. The Papelbon situation is a catch 22. I’m of the opinion that Jon is actually smart enough to realize that if he shoots his mouth off or gets labeled as a clubhouse cancer (even more than usual) then he becomes untradeable. And there’s no way that Jonathan Papelbon wants to finish this season with the Phillies. I think he stays in line and pitches like he’s in a contract year to give himself the best shot at getting off this team. If he speaks his mind, it is awfully unlikely that any team will want to take on that headache and that contract (highest paid reliever in the history of the MLB – thanks Rube).

Cliff Lee’s return to the mound is probably the biggest enigma surrounding this ball club. If Lee can return to form it’s possible that the Phillies are not quite as wretched as everyone thinks they are going to be (At 275/1 to win the World Series the Phillies are the biggest long shot by more than double any other team). They certainly won’t hit the baseball, like at all. But if Lee and  Hamels are in peak form they shouldn’t have to be the worst team in baseball. Cliff seems to be in good spirits as he answered questions last week with the help of a Magic 8 Ball.

The reality is that the Phillies will in all likelihood start Dom Brown, Ben Revere, and Jeff Francoeur in the outfield. They’ll replace Jimmy Rollins with Freddie Galvis. Utley and Howard will be a year further out of their primes, same for Chooch. And hopefully Maikel Franco can play his way to the starting 3^rd baseman leaving Cody Asche as the main utility man. That doesn’t exactly sound like runs.

So let’s raise a glass to the 2015 Phillies, you’re going to need to regularly to get through this season.

The Villain Countdown - Lethal Weapon and Die Hard

Hans.. Bubby!

I was flipping the channels the other day and landed on Lethal Weapon 3. Can you separate those? I’m sure it’s tough for most, just a lot of Riggs’ questionable hair length and Murtaugh seemingly always being too old for this shit. So that’s where I come in. For some reason those movies have stuck with me, maybe it was the lore of Mel Gibson in his prime. Maybe it was the buddy cop aspect with a little Joe Pesci thrown in (from the 2^nd one on).

Anyway, the third one got me thinking. The first one was Gary Busey throwing nothing but heat for some sinister blond prick and they weren’t afraid of kidnapping a cop’s daughter. The second one was the Apartheid South African evil doers running heroin and planting toilet bombs, man Murtaugh saw some shit in his day.  The third one was former police officer Jack Travis being as evil and disturbing as a bad guy gets. And of course, who could forget Jet Li’s star making turn as the martial arts expert that damn near killed Riggs and Murtaugh in the 4^th installment? I know I couldn’t.

So from there, I thought a list of bad guys is something missing from most people’s lives, but clearly just a list of Lethal Weapon bad guys wouldn’t quench the thirst of my readers needing to know who the worst arch villains were in action movie franchises. From the title I’m sure you can guess where we’re heading. That’s right. We’re on our way to ranking the top 8 bad guys* from the Lethal Weapon and Die Hard franchises!

When it came to maintaining a sense of humor in the face of certain death for yourself or people close to you it didn’t get much better than Riggs and McClane for action franchises that spanned multiple installments from the 80s through the 90s. Y'know?

Before we get in to the actual countdown of villains I would be remiss to not point out a few parts of these movies that  made them so memorable for me. We’re going to hand out some awards.

Best use of bullshitting your way through a situation with acronyms:

“The FAAs got a new SOP for DOAs“ when McClane needed to check the pockets of the terrorists he killed in the beginning of Die Hard 2 because he had a hunch they were up to more than stealing luggage. Wrong place wrong time again, huh John?

By far the most memorable woman from any of the movies in the franchises because of a spectacular nude scene and ultimately heartbreaking death for a boy of 9 who was watching this for the first time on Prism after Shawn Bradley lost a game in 94:

Did they have to kill her directly following this scene? I'm still traumatized.

That award goes to the smoking hot South African blond in Lethal Weapon 2. I didn’t know her name then and I still don’t know but I want to thank the lord for her the same way Jimmy Dugan thanked the lord for that waitress in South Bend.

Biggest dickhead: Ellis, by far. (Die Hard)

Best Car Ride:

This goes to Riggs and Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon 4 for driving a Pontiac Grand Prix off an elevated highway and into a high rise office building. Then driving through the entire floor of the office building while appearing not to run over anything but desks and literally flying out the other end of the building and hopping back on to the elevated highway which had conveniently snaked around the building to be there for them to land on.

Most improbable escape from a suddenly flooded underground aquaduct tunnel:

Shoooo.. that award goes to John McClane in Die Hard: With a Vengeance for doing a 40 MPH 180 in a dump truck and then managing to rig the gas pedal while he climbed the dump truck only to grab an escape ladder and get shot out a tunnel as part of a geyser from the flood waters. You had to be there I'm telling you.

Best extended climax fight scene that involved at least 100+ cops watching Riggs fight Busey to the death in front of Murtaugh’s house and included the actual challenge “Would you like a shot at the title?”:

This award goes to Sergeant Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon 1 for this amazing sequence. Parental advisory on that one.

Best use of the F word:

It’s a tie.

Obviously, you can’t omit every yippy-kay-yay-mother-fu**er. That’s a given

But remember ,“They F**K you at the drive-thru!!” and always check your order before you drive away.

Alright without further adieu..

God, whether they were incredibly brilliant, incredibly ruthless, or both, the villains in these movies stuck with a kid growing up in the 90s.

8. Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) - Live Free or Die Hard or Die Hard 4 for those not willing to figure out what number this one was.

Next

7. The South Africans – Lethal Weapon 2 - Older, racist, embarrassing looking whites that you really needed to see get their comeuppance.

They did, of course. But their trap of setting up a bomb underneath the toilet in Roger Murtaugh’s house made for one of the more memorable and relationship building scenes in a blossoming partnership. It also gave the guys doing the score another chance to throw in that superfluous saxophone that defined the LW movies.

The racist drug dealers were a bit too non-descript to rank on this list of intense villainy but make no mistake about their callous approach to life. I mean, how could they kill the blond like that? At least Murtaugh revoked their diplomatic immunity.

6.  Colonels Esperanza and Stewart and all those goons – Die Hard 2: Die Harder

These guys were sophisticated and tricky. We’re talking overtaking an airport and setting up a control tower from a church sophisticated. We’re talking bringing in a military unit that has actually flipped and become mercenaries working for The Colonel tricky. You have to tip your cap to the owner of McDowell’s from Coming to America (John Amos) for having the balls to slash some throats on his way to a payday. I did not see that coming on first view.

Last smoke ring that guy's gonna blow.

Sidenote – this is one of the funnier moves to watch as the WPHL 17 movie of the week. Plenty of cursing that gets dubbed instead of blanked out. Two of my personal faves.

Actual Line - Amos to McClane: You’re an asshole, but you’re my kind of asshole.

Clean Line – Amos to McClane: You’re a rascal, but you’re my kind of rascal.

Actual Line – Yippee-kay-yay MotherFu**er!

Clean Line – Yippee-kay-yay Mr. Falcon!

5. Jack Travis (Stuart Wilson) - Lethal Weapon 3

I just remember him pushing a guy into a hole on a construction site and burying him alive with concrete while at least 5 other guys watched and did nothing. I found it disturbing and still do.

4. Wah Sing Ku (Jet Li) – Lethal Weapon 4 – Had to look up that movie name obviously.

Don't worry, they all walk outta that scene alive.

I’m sure it wasn’t his film debut but this is the first time I remember seeing Jet Li kick ass on screen. He was ominous in this flick. I legit think he said about 4 words in this total and that was after his brother was killed in a shootout. He was always lurking with a menacing glare, strangling his people who failed him on rooftops, taking out 7 people at a time, moving quicker than you would think possible, taking guns apart with one hand, and setting Murtaugh’s house on fire with entire families tied up and left for dead inside. Man, Roger Murtaugh is up there for having gone through some shit. 

3. Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons) – Die Hard: With a Vengeance or Die Hard 3

“I know the man I know the family,” John McClane talking about Peter Krieg, born Simon Peter Gruber.

Simon Gruber was indeed trying to pull a Hans Gruber and fake a heist with a terrorist act. Gruber brought more of a charm to his villain than those  already recapped. He had no problem blowing up people and buildings but he also really liked to mess with McClane. What a series of riddles, nearly impossible situations, and goosechases Gruber sent McClane and Jesus (Hey Zeus aka Samuel L) on in DH:WAV. It almost made him a bit endearing for me. Sure the killing was senseless but he had flare in other areas, and he even was getting it on with the creepy chick who liked killing dudes with giant sickle like swords.

Great jaw

2. Joshua (Gary Busey) – Lethal Weapon

I’ve written about Gary Busey before in this blog and I feel like this role may have been a turning point in his life. I mean the dude was playing Buddy Holly in the late 70s and geeked out to the max. He had to go to a dark place to pull off the sadistic Joshua in the original film in the series and perhaps hasn’t been the same man since. If you want to see some overacting at its finest sit down and watch Lethal Weapon 1. Riggs is really trying to come to grips with his life crumbling around him and pouring it on to that effect. Meanwhile, Busey is matching him step for step on crazy and its more the look in his eye than anything. Busey is ready to kill and programmed to do so in this classic. He was a worthy adversary but Martin Riggs is Martin Riggs.

1. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) – Die Hard

“Get me my detonators”

“Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho”

“Mr. Takagi..”

“Shoot ze glass”

“Clay, Bill Clay”

“I’m an exceptional thief”

Yeah, he didn't make it.

Hans Gruber folks. He sticks with you.

For your reference:

Die Hard - 1988
Die Hard 2: Die Harder - 1990
Die Hard 3: With a Vengeance - 1995
Live Free or Die Hard - Shouldn't have done it, or the one after.

Lethal Weapon - 1987
Lethal Weapon 2 - 1989
Lethal Weapon 3 - 1992
Lethal Weapon 4 - 1998

*We’re not counting whatever they called the 5^th Die Hard and to be honest we’re only counting Live Free or Die Hard, the 4^th Die Hard, for symmetry purposes.

Jimmy Rollins: A Retrospective

Can you remember what you were doing in September 2000? I can. I was a snot-nosed freshman at Quakertown High School playing varsity golf and still waiting on my first kiss. My God, that was a long time ago. 

Jimmy Rollins played his first Major League game against the Florida Marlins at Veteran’s Stadium for a last place Phillies team on September 17^th that year. The Phillies were 62-86, 25.5 games back of the Atlanta Braves who were winning their umpteenth division title in a row. Randy Wolf started, Pat Burrell played left, Bobby Abreu played right, Scott Rolen had the night off and Terry Francona probably had a chew that would make Lenny Dykstra smile going in the dugout. Rollins had the first and second of his eventual all-time franchise leading 2306 hits that night.

Desi Relaford and Alex Arias got the lion’s share of playing time at short that year for Francona and the Phils. That was the last year that Jimmy Rollins wasn’t a mainstay at the 6 spot on the diamond for a decade and a half. So the actual answer to who played shortstop for the Phillies before Jimmy Rollins was "Yikes".

Rollins played the last handful of games in 2000 and it was clear that he was the shortstop of the future going forward, and the Phils brought in shortstop of the past Larry Bowa to steer the ship in 2001.  Rollins was a catalyst in a turnaround year for the Phillies. Every position player outside of catcher played a minimum of 147 games that year and the Phils finished 2^nd in the NL East at 86-76 and earned Bowa manager of the year honors.  Rollins hit 274 with 48 steals 29 doubles 14 homers and 180 hits in his first full season. He finished 3^rd in Rookie of the Year voting behind Roy Oswalt and a dude name Albert Pujols. Things were looking up for the Phillies after above average years from a young group of talented players.

It was not to be.

The Phils ran the same squad back in ‘02 but the organization’s unwillingness to spend money as well as Bowa’s fiery personality clashed with the temperamental star of the team, Scott Rolen. Ed Wade sent him packing and Rollins numbers were down across the board for a team that finished a game below .500.

The next few years were spent trying to find an identity as the team moved across the street to Citizen’s Bank Ballpark and Jim Thome hit a bunch of mostly meaningless home runs.

Rollins was a constant. If everything else on the team was a variable, be it the manager (Charlie Manuel replaced Bowa in 2005), the starting pitching, the entire roster save Burrell and Abreu, Rollins was always there. From 2001 to 2007 Rollins missed just 34 of 1134 games and never played less than 154 in a season. In that same stretch he posted the following hit totals: 180, 156, 165, 190, 196, 191, 212.

By the time Charlie Manuel had settled in as manager Jimmy Rollins knew that the Phillies were going to be good. They had serious close calls for playoff berths in 2005 and 2006, the former of which was led by Rollins’ 38 game hit streak that stood at 36 games when the '05 season ended. That hitting streak is 8^th all time by the way. In 2006 the New York Mets were dominant and ran away with the division and looked poised to do the same in 2007.

Jimmy Rollins was not having any of that. Don’t get me wrong, Rollins was always an All-Star caliber player from day one but believe me when I tell you his 2007 season was something for the ages. We all know he declared the Phillies as “the team to beat” in spring training that year even though the Phillies hadn’t made the playoffs since Rollins was in middle school. Then all he did was go out and make every single play a guy could make that year. Ryan Howard gets to go down in history for those 58 home runs in his 2006 season, but put Jimmy Rollins right next to him for having the following stats in ’07 (bold numbers indicates a league lead).

162 games, 778 plate appearance, 716 at bats, 139 runs, 212 hits, 38 doubles, 20 triples (20 triples?!?), 30 home runs, 94 rbi, 41 steals (6 caught), and he hit 296.

Oh, and he also won his second consecutive gold glove. And National League Most Valuable Player honors.

I tend to get carried away with stats but know that it wasn’t just about the stats with Rollins. He was the leader on a ballclub on a true ascension. He was outspoken. He was charismatic. He had swagger (before swagger became something that everybody claimed to have). He Made Every Single God Damn Play At Shortstop. Day in. Day out.  For what seemed like forever. This can't be taken for granted but usually is.

His 2007 season got the Phillies over that playoff hump. Sure, they got swept by the Rockies but the comeback the Phillies made against the Mets to take the division is what every one remembers that year.  Seven and a half back with 17 to go and the Mets folded like a cheap suit. Rollins put the belief in that team to go out and do it. Having Chase Utley, Howard, Jayson Werth, Chooch, and Shane Victorino certainly helped but Rollins was the one who made them believe. First he did it with his words, and then he did it with his play.

From there the legend only grew. Every one reading this knows what happened in 2008 for the Phillies. When you’re the starting shortstop and a main reason for a team to reach the apex of the sport your position has been solidified as one of the all time franchise greats.

Then came the 2009 NLCS. The Phillies had not been in a tight playoff series during their run up to that point and Jimmy Rollins was not about to let that '09 NLCS be any different. It was a cold Monday night in October and the Phils were leading the series 2-1 but trailing the Dodgers 4-3 and down a run in the bottom of the 9^th at Citizen’s Bank Park.

The Dodgers closer, Jonathan Broxton, had already been victimized by the mortal Matt Stairs in the 2008 NLCS to the tune of a moon shot game-winning home run. This time, Broxton was facing Jimmy batting left-handed with two outs and two men on when the 30 year-old shortstop connected on a 99 mile per hour fastball and sent a laser into the gap in right center. Can’t you just hear Harry (RIP) doing that call “Two runs are gonna score..”

 This always has and always will be my favorite YouTube clip of all-time. Scott Franzke with the call.

That’s the hit you dream about when you’re a little kid playing in your back yard. That’s what every fan wishes their team would be capable of pulling off. That’s what Jimmy Rollins delivered in the 2009 NLCS. It’s a hit and a moment I’ll never forget for the rest of my life. It made Jimmy Rollins immortal as a sports figure in this city regardless of his shortcomings and more lean years we’ve experienced of late.

Since the Phils string of five straight NL East titles Rollins’ play has dipped, along with every other star on the Phils' aging roster. After the 2011 season, the one that ended in bitter disappointment after 102 wins, he signed a three year deal to stay with the only team he’d ever known. I actually wrote him an open letter pleading with him to stay. I’m glad he did. It was the right thing to do, whether it worked out for him and the Phillies or not.

Jimmy wasn't without his faults. I did my fair share of complaining about his penchant for popping up the second pitch of an at-bat in the infield. I got frustrated when he seemed to swing for the fences or not work counts, but the positives always far outweighed the negatives when it came to Jimmy. He was never the prototypical leadoff hitter, but when Jimmy Rollins was going good the Phillies were tough to beat and everybody knew that.

It saddens me that Rollins, Utley and Howard are not as revered currently as they should be because they have seen such a large drop in production. That’s what happens though, athletes get old. Unless you’re Barry Bonds (cough bullshit cough), you’re not putting up career years at age 38. People will rag on Jimmy these days because of his low batting average and suspect on base percentage.  They might be legitimate gripes but after 15 years of being the best shortstop this organization has ever seen it’s finally time to let any negative feelings you may have about Jimmy Rollins go today.

He is the man that put his heart and soul into this ballclub since before any 20 year old in the Delaware Valley is capable of remembering. He’s been through Francona, Bowa, Manuel, and Sandberg. He’s been through last place and he’s been through multiple pennants. He won one of the franchise’s two World Series. He will always be a Phillie, but for now he’s a Dodger. 

Ruben is Still Here

I was with several friends over the past weekend and I discussed that the Phillies season would end with a Cole Hamels start on Sunday. Here are some samples of the responses I heard.

“They’re still playing?!”

“I stopped following the Phillies in May.”

The terms 'relevant' and 'Phillies' don’t look as if they’ll collide in a sentence any time soon, perhaps for the rest of the decade. They finished this season with the same exact record as last season, but this time it was bad enough for last place. So let’s take quick stock of the drastic and epic fall from grace for this collection of stiffs. In fact it will be real quick. The Phillies have finished in a worse position than they did the year before every single year for six consecutive seasons, but here’s the scary part, I don’t think they’ve even bottomed out yet.

We’ve gone over and it, and gone over it, but this collective failure really falls at the feet of one incredibly stubborn man. That man is Ruben Amaro Jr. He’s taken a perennial contender and turned it back into the perennial doormat it had been for the vast majority of its century plus old existence. Despite the facts that every single Phillies fan is familiar with¸ Ruben has been given a vote of confidence and will be coming back to try and get his team out of last place (barring a miracle he won’t) in 2015.

To quote Liam Neeson in Taken – the arrogance offends me.

There are literally hundreds of reasons why the Phillies should not bring back Ruben Amaro Jr but we’ll talk about the most relevant ones.  There’s really only two that matter, take your pick as to which you think is a bigger reason why RAJ should lose his job. It doesn't matter that people within the organization like him, or that he is doing his best. His results speak for themselves, and its hard to imagine any other team allowing this kind of rope with which he's hanged himself.

First, he has taken a team with incredible talent and aside from obvious additions like Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Hunter Pence he hasn’t filled in the cracks with anybody half as talented as Jayson Werth or Shane Victorino. When the Phillies core four (Howard, Rollins, Utley, Hamels) were in their prime together they didn’t need a ton of help but Pat Gillick got it for them anyway. What makes upper management think that Amaro will all of a sudden turn his “bad luck” free agent signings and clear as day lack of talent evaluation skills around? Seriously, What. The. Fuck?! Makes them think that?!?

I’m at a loss there, I assume everybody else is too, except, astoundingly, the people who make decisions above RAJ’s head. Wow. Just wow. We’re dealing with incompetence on top of incompetence and then throw in a gallon of stubborn and you have the 2014/15 Phillies' management.

Second, the Phillies brass is removing all goodwill they built up with their fans during the sustained success by not firing RAJ. You could poll the 100 people who actually made it to the last Phillies home game of the  year whether they’d have RAJ or literally anybody else who’s made a baseball decision in their life at the Major League level who they’d want to run the team next year, and 100 people and all of their moms would say literally anybody else.

So really, what do the Phillies have to gain by being loyal to a man who has run their team into the ground? They’re not going to find somebody who could do worse. But there’s got to be a decent chance they could find somebody who would do better. It’s like the Phillies have been eating out of the same opened bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos since 2012 and they love stale Doritos! They had a great run, but hey let’s see if we can find a new bag, maybe Cool Ranch, maybe something cool we don’t even know about yet.

This offseason will be an important one for the Phillies. Will they vie seriously for free agent talent? Will they go find a pitcher? Will they turn Ryan Howard lose and eat $60 million? Will they stand pat with lame ducks Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley? Will they find a competent outfielder that isn’t over 35 years old that led the MLB in Ks?* Will they employ a catcher than can slug over 370? Will they employ anyone who can slug over 400?**

I just don’t want Ruben Amaro Jr answering any of those questions. I can’t say I’ve come across anybody lately who disagrees.

*Marlon was second in the MLB in Ks. I’ll give you one guess who led the MLB in Ks, and that’s all you should need.

**Marlon did at 445 and Chase Utley technically slugged 407 but he finished the season with just 11 home runs and hit only 15 doubles after May, when he hit 21 in the first two months of the season. 

Even When They're Good, They're Bad

Cole Hamels is 15-8 with a 3.34 ERA in his career against the Braves

Today the Phillies’ completed a no-hitter using four different pitchers, their first combined no-hitter in their 130 year history and the 12^th in team history. It will surely go down as the most memorable moment of this abysmal 2014 season. But as I was planning on writing even before this somewhat historic feat, even when these Phillies are good, they are bad.

Take today as a case in point. Sure, Cole Hamels tossed 6 innings of no-hit ball but Cole would certainly tell you he’s pitched better in a plenty of games this season. Hell, he only made it through six innings despite not giving up any hits. Hamels was less than sharp walking 5 and hitting a batter en route to 108 pitches after 18 outs.  His turn came up to hit in the bottom of the 6^th and Sandy wasted no time sending Grady Sizemore out to pinch-hit for Hamels. His afternoon was done even with the chance at immortality still in his grasp.

Sandy turned to a bullpen combination that has been somewhat dominant (the somewhat is Jake Diekman) in Jake Diekman, Ken Giles, and Jonathan Papelbon to try and persevere the no-hitter. Those three combined for three perfect innings and the Phils were able to squeeze out a bright spot on Labor Day against their division rival Atlanta Braves, who flat out can’t hit.

So this is a nice accomplishment and a “neat feat” but having Cole Hamels only be able to finish six innings while walking five is just another prime example of the Phillies being bad, even when they’re good.

More cases in point – Has any one taken a look at the NL batting title race lately? I have a pretty good chuckle to myself every time I see Justin Morneau slip down a few points and still manage to hold on to his grasp of the league lead. Little Ben Revere has been making a push the past few months to try and claim this title for the Phillies for the first time since Richie Ashburn did it more than 50 years ago.

What a pathetic race this is though! Currently, Morneau is tied with Josh Harrison of the Pittsburgh Pirates at .311. 311?!? Are you kidding me? Under .315 has a good chance to walk away with a batting title this year? Pete Rose could probably still do that. Benny sits about one hit behind the leaders at .310. Last year, Michael Cuddyer won the batting title hitting .331 and that was the lowest mark in over 20 years! The last guy to win a batting title in the NL under .320 was Terry Pendleton (.319) for the Braves in 1991.

More to the point of Benny being bad even though he is good, of the top 10 hitters in the NL right now Benny has the lowest on base percentage (.328), the lowest slugging percentage (obviously, .364) and even after a 5 RBI day yesterday the lowest amount of RBI (20).  He’s also the only hitter in the top 10 with less than 2.1 WAR, coming in at a whopping .6 WAR despite the 3^rd highest batting average in the league.

When you take a look at the rest of the Phillies roster almost every player on here is good for something, but just not good overall. Not good enough to help the team win.

A few weeks back while discussing Ryan Howard during his Sunday broadcast gig, Mike Schmidt insisted that “you couldn’t have a bad season if you got to 100 RBI.”  Well, Mike my friend, what about old Ryan Howard? If he continues at his current pace he’s going to prove you wrong on that statement. Miraculously, Howard and his 87 RBI sit at 4^th in the NL despite hitting .225 and slugging just .383. Of the other men in the top 10 in RBI in the NL, Howard’s slugging percentage is .41 points lower than anybody else. Of those same 10 men Ryan Braun has the least amount of WAR at 1.3, except for Howard who has compiled a -1.0 WAR for the season. Eeeessshhh.

Meanwhile, Marlon Byrd, perhaps the Phillies most productive hitter, has been swinging for the fences all season. It has worked, to an extent. He’s 5^th in the NL in home runs with 25 (a career high) but he also leads the Majors in strikeouts with 164. If you’re teammates with Ryan Howard and you hold your team lead in strikeouts something is off there, I don’t care what your other production is. Byrd is hitting .268 and leads the team in slugging so it’s certainly not all bad.

Jimmy Rollins has been a bit hot of late so I don’t have to throw up every time I check his box score. Is it sad that I’m fairly excited to see he’s up to .249? The answer to that question is yes. Rollins does have a career high in walks (62) this year and has a decent shot to have a 20 homer 20 steal season as a 35 year old shortstop. That batting average though, it’s tough to take, especially when he’s come in at .250 and .252 the prior two years.

Lastly, Saint Chase. Nobody likes to rag on Chase Utley in Philadelphia, but come on Chase, where has all the power gone? I don’t know if it’s his knees or what, but Utley just flat out does not drive the ball for power at anything more than a normal-ass second baseman clip. Nobody has ever referred to Utley’s power as “normal-ass” for a second baseman I guarantee you that. After racking up 21 doubles and hitting .320 through May this year Utley has not done much of anything at the plate. He hit .240 in June, .268 in July, and .243 in August. During those three months he only produced 16 extra base hits and is in line for a career low slugging percentage of .418. Despite all this he’s the best position player on the team by most accounts.

So even when the Phillies are good, they are bad. Here’s to watching Rollins, Howard, and Utley start on opening day next year. Cheers!

The Top 10 George Costanza Lies

"And you wanna be my latex salesman"

“The thing is, I’ve been living a lie.” Gary Fogel.

“Just one? I’m livin’ like 20,” George Costanza.

Editor's Note - If you are viewing this on a mobile device the embedded clips from the show will not display, but they are hyperlinked in for each lie. Also, wow! YouTube is probably top 5 invention all time.

Alex Riley: From the occasional casual viewer, to the obsessed Seinfeld aficionados, it is well known to many that George Costanza has lived his life as a prolific liar. My friends and I fall into the latter category. This past Memorial Day Weekend we went as far as delivering PowerPoint presentations on our top 10 episodes of all time. Try coming up with your top 10 Seinfeld eps, that’s no easy task. It’s like having 180 kids and trying to tell somebody who your favorite is. So with this knowledge and Seinfeld prowess in mind, those same friends and I have decided to put together another top 10 list. 

This time we present to you: The Top 10 George Costanza Lies of All-Time.

I’ll kick things off…

The Race - 6th Season, Episode 10

Setting the scene: Jerry’s legend for being the fastest kid in school has grown to epic proportions after winning a race in high school, and he needs George to corroborate his story that he did not break early at the start of the race. The boss of the woman Jerry is dating went to high school with Jerry and insists Jerry cheated in order to win the race. In an effort to make him believe, Jerry and George stage a fake meeting in the coffee shop and act as if they haven’t seen each other in 20 years. The lies from George start flying from there. He, of course, explains that he is now an architect and mentions that he did the new addition to the Guggenheim. "It really didn't take that long either." He goes on to also reveal that he lost his virginity the day of the big race to "Miss Stafford, the voluptuous homeroom teacher." My god, what a brilliant liar!

The lie: “I guess I started losing it when I was 28, right about the time I made my first million. It’s true what they say, the first million is the hardest.”

The Wizard - Season 9, Episode 15

Setting the scene: Afer his fiancee, Susan Ross, dies (from the toxic glue found on her cheap wedding invitations that George stooped to paying for), a foundation is established in her name and there is an event her parents invite George to attend. Not wanting to go, George tells several elaborate lies to the parents of his deceased fiancée starting with the 'fact' that he cannot attend the event because he will be at his house in the Hamptons. He goes as far as to tell them he has two horses named Snoopy and Prickly Pete. The Ross’s know he is lying and want to get the better of him. Thinking they'd never take him up on his offer, George invites them out to his place in the Hamptons. Much to his chagrin the Ross's take him right up on the offer and show up at his apartment for the long ride out to this non-existent beach home. George asks them if they really want to go through with the trip to his place in the Hamptons.

The lie: “Speak now or we are going to the Hamptons.. You wanna get nuts?!? Let’s  get nuts!!”

Andrew Eisenhart: Let's be honest, no one likes liars. They frustrate us on all levels, whether your relationship with the liar is serious or as easy-going as a distant work colleague, they don't fit into the mold of our society. That said, we all can really enjoy a lie that is comedic and there hasn't been a more humorous liar on television than Seinfeld's George Costanza. George is a pathological liar throughout the series. The irony of this is that one of his famous lines is about living in a society in a civilized way. How does lying fit into that? Who cares!

The Marine Biologist - Season 5, Episode 14 

Setting The Scene: While George's entire life is a lie, you can't help but feel for the guy when his best friend Jerry makes up a lie on his behalf. During an ATM visit, Jerry runs into an old college friend who asks about George. Jerry tells the "it" girl from their college days that George has become a Marine Biologist and is quite successful. George becomes uncomfortable with this made up lie claiming "he knows what he's capable of" as he prefers lying about being an architect.

The Lie: "Is anyone here a marine biologist?"

The IQ Test - Season 3, Episode 7 

Setting The Scene: Monica, George's girlfriend, administers IQ tests for her education course. Monica asks George to take the test and George, worried that she won't be impressed with his score, concocts a plan to have Elaine take the test for him. Monica's apartment has a first floor window that is accessible to the street, making it easy for Elaine to take the test then return it to George in the allotted time. Elaine has a hard time concentrating at Babu Bhatt's Dream Cafe, where she is taking the test. She returns it to George and this ensues. No pre-mediation, no pre-thought, just brilliant lying on the spot.

The Lie:   "How Am I Going To Explain This?"

Bob Bolenius:

The Non-Fat Yogurt - Season 5, Episode 7

Setting The Scene: George and Jerry are hanging out at the non-fat yogurt place admiring the delicious, seemingly non-fat frozen yogurt. In walks Lloyd Braun, who is a childhood neighbor of Georgey Boy's and now a big time advisor to Mayor Dinkins. "He thinks he's so cool," we learn via George. Much to George's dismay, Lloyd recognizes him and initiates conversation, hilarity ensues. Lloyd tells George he hears he is living at home with his parents to which George replies, "yeah there was a fire in my apartment building." Lloyd retorts "Fire, boy speakin of how bout some of the chicks in here..."

While George expects that Lloyd is scanning the room for babes Lloyd actually looks back right at the moment George is nudging Jerry with his elbow as if to say "ya see, this fuckin' guy?" Lloyd asks George if there is something wrong with his elbow to which George replies, "yeah its the damndest thing out of nowhere I started getting this involuntary movement." Naturally, Lloyd is concerned and gives George a business card for Mayor Dinkins' esteemed doctor to get it checked out. Like deceit is wont to do, this lie creates all kinds of problems for George. When Lloyd stops by Frank and Estelle's and brings up George's spasms both of his parents say they've never seen him do that but George elbows his mom to show the problem. In order to save face George agrees to go see the doctor. As the doctor reviews the x-rays he tells George "I find there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, nothing that would indicate involuntary spasm."  George replies "well its a mystery isn't it." The doctor proclaims "No, not really, may I suggest the possibility that you are faking?" George, aghast, retorts with "what kind of a person would make up a thing like that?" The doctor says "I don't know what kind of person would do something like that...obviously a very sick person.  A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's time ... Good day." As George gets up to leave in a huff he smashes his elbow on the desk and ironically does begin to experience involuntary arm spasms.


The Lie: "Well it's a mystery isn't it?"

The Outing - Season 4, Episode 17

Setting The Scene: After realizing that a pair of college girls in the booth next to them are eavesdropping Elaine intentionally let's them hear her reasoning with George and Jerry that "So what if you're gay? I mean does that really change anything?" One of the girls happens to be an aspiring journalist from NYU who is set to interview Jerry. Later on at Jerry's apartment while the interview is going on, George behaves in what can be misconstrued as a homosexual manner in both his body language and conversation with Jerry.  George goes as far as asking "Do you see the way he talks to me?" to which the girl replies "You should see the way my boyfriend talks to me."  To this Jerry puts two and two together and realizes that this girl was the one that was eavesdropping back at the coffee shop and proclaims that Elaine was just messing with her and they are not gay. George, not wanting to appear homophobic, offers up some pro-gay comments including the unforgettable lie, "My father's gay." Since the reporter was still struggling to comprehend the fact that Jerry and George are indeed hetero, George comes out with the classic line "DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?? C'MON LETS GO BABY!!"

After many issues Jerry finally gets Sharon (the reporter) to believe him that he is straight and Jerry even gets Sharon interested in a romantic relationship. Meanwhile, due to George's desire to get rid of the girl he is currently seeing he lies to her by reading her the newspaper article that Sharon wrote proclaiming that Jerry and his "longtime companion" have been seeing each other for years. He says "Don't you understand what that implies?? I'm gay, I'm steeped in gayness." However George's girlfriend does not believe this lie and when George finds Jerry and Sharon making out on the couch he screams "Jerry what are you doing with a woman??" Jerry says, "what are you talking about you idiot?" After this interaction, Sharon is fed up and leaves because everything is so weird. Since Jerry will not play along George finally tries a new lie and says, "actually I'm a pornstar named Buck Naked," to which his girlfriend gets turned on while George laments "oh my god...".

The Lie: "My father's gay"

Craig Bevan:

The Boyfriend - Season 3, Episode 17


Setting The Scene: At the gym, Jerry spots baseball star Keith Hernandez in the locker room and before he can work up the courage to introduce himself, Keith walks over and tells Jerry how much he admires Jerry's comedy act. They soon become fast friends but Jerry is jealous, of what he's not quite sure, when Hernandez starts dating Elaine. Kramer and Newman have their own views about Hernandez, convinced that he spit on them after a game several years before. Jerry analyzes the event with Warren Commission-like detail. Meanwhile, George is having trouble extending his unemployment benefits and let the lying begin. He notices that the unemployment counselor is a big Mets fan and he let's her know that he's a "good friend of Keith Hernandez" to ingratiate himself with her.


In an effort to extend the benefits, George makes up a story about a job interview he'd been to and that he was very close to securing a job with Vandelay Industries. He then gives Jerry's address and phone number for the unemployment counselor to check out Vandelay Industries, which manufactures latex on the Upper West Side.  George rushes to Jerry's apartment to make Jerry aware that he needs to answer the phone "Vandelay Industries" until the unemployment counselor calls. Kramer, however, is unaware as he picks up Jerry's phone and let's the woman know she's "way, way, off" which is very typical of Kramer. While Kramer is telling this woman that there's no Vandelay Industries at this number George comes storming out of the bathroom yelling at Kramer. 

The Lie: "Say Vandelay! Say Vandelay!"

 

The Butter Shave - Season 9, Episode 1


Setting The Scene: Not fully recovered from "The Summer of George", George is using a cane to get around.  George learns of a job interview with a playground equipment company. He is hired for the job at Play Now because they think he is handicapped due to his use of the cane. George takes full advantage of the situation after they offer him his own fully equipped handicap bathroom.

George manages to keep up his handicap bluff until he gets into some trouble with old-timers after hitting their motorized carts (four volts), a very slow chase ensues. George's cart begins to die on him so he jumps off and picks up the cart and runs away from the mob only to run into his boss from Play Now. George, now concerned about what will happen to his job, is caught by the mob and one older gentleman hits George with his cane ("Eat hickory!").   George's boss wants to get rid of him, since he now knows he isn't really handicapped; as a result, everyone who works there doesn't like him. He has a one-year contract with Play Now, which he will exploit by meeting only the most basic requirement of showing up for work every day. Play Now tries to negotiate with George, but he won't give in. Later, he offers his office and one of their rubber balls to allow Kramer to test his oil tanker bladder idea.

The Lie:  "My baby takes the morning train"

Brad Bolenius:

The Strike - Season 9, Episode 10

Man this is one of my all-time favorite episodes. It really has it all. 


Setting The Scene: Jerry dates a two-face. Elaine’s got issues with fake numbers, crappy subs, and sleazy bookies (is there any other kind?). Kramer gets back to work after a decade long strike at H&H Bagels. Once Jerry sparks Kramer's interest in a little-known holiday Frank Costanza drew up, he's gotta know more. “As I rained blows upon him, I thought, there’s got to be another way…A Festivus for the rest of us!” Certainly an aluminum pole, airing of grievances, and feats of strength beats the hell out of a tree, presents, and cookies any day. Jerry Stiller really knocks this one out of the park. "George stop crying and fight your father!" Frank Costanza. "I think you can take him Georgie," Estelle Costanza.

The Human Fund - Money For People

Early in the episode, George opens his mail to find a Hanukkah gift from converted Jew, dentist Tim Whatley, that contains a card noting that a contribution has been made in his name to a children’s charity for the holidays. Well if this doesn’t chap George’s ass; he had gifted Whatley Yankees tickets! An Eye for an Eye! That’s the real Christmas spirit!

Though feeling slighted, George believes he has uncovered a loophole in the system. The Human Fund, a made up charity with the sole intent to skirt holiday gifting. Only George! Gifts come in. Nothin' goes out. What a hilarious piece of crap. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Kruger, his apathetic boss. “A donation has been made in your name to: The Human Fund.” Kruger, “Whatever.” George, “Exactly.”

Kruger has a charitable contribution for his business in the order of $20K and decides to make the check out to George’s fake charity. Upon the accounting department’s discovery that The Human Fund does not exist, Kruger is naturally pissed off that he received a fake Christmas gift. George, being the veteran liar that he is, tells Kruger of the Costanza winter holiday and that he made up the Human Fund because he was afraid of being persecuted for his beliefs in Festivus. Such a ridiculous story, Kruger needs proof so he comes by Frank and Estelle’s lovely residence in Queens. Frank Costanza’s indescribable insanity quickly validates the tale of Festivus and George once again gets off the hook. Well…not exactly. 

The Lie: "George I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund those donation cards were fake?! You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift."

The Limo - Season 3, Episode 19

Setting The Scene: In this episode, the lie actually sets the scene. George is picking up Jerry from JFK, but his car breaks down near the airport so now George and Jerry are both without a ride. While trying to find Jerry, George asks a man for the time. Although wearing a watch, the man advises George to view a wall clock in the distance. After questioning the man’s rationale, George gets fed up and tries grabbing the man’s wrist to view the time. “What are you some kind of nut?” George, “You know we are living, in a society!” Classic George!

OK, so in casual conversation, Jerry notices a chauffeur holding a sign greeting “O’Brien.” A man Jerry already knows missed the flight in Chicago but was desperate to get to Madison Square Garden tonight. So Colin O’Brien (George) and Dylan Murphy (Jerry) get in the limo and are on their way. After a classic George-Estelle conversation on the limo telephone, O’Brien finds out they are on their way to MSG with 4 passes. Oh baby, Jordan’s in town to play the Knicks! (Ya can’t miss Air Jordan). After Jerry informs Elaine/Kramer of the free passes, the limo driver pulls off to pick up the other planned members of the O’Brien party. Oh man, the jig is up! Not so fast, there’s still more hole to be dug.

Tim and Eva enter the Limo, anxious to meet their idol and author of The Game, Mr. O’Brien. After some light discussion, it surfaces that O’Brien is scheduled to speak tonight outside Madison Square Garden. “…and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.” Ouch George, you’re not going to open with that are you? A tire blows on the limo and the two Jews have a moment alone inside the limo. Jerry tries discussing a plan, but George cannot get over the way Eva is coming on to him. “Kind of a cute Nazi though.” Having trouble getting over the sexual potential, George dials 9-1-1. Tim comes back in the limo and George is caught mid-sentence… "uhh Astroturf…you know who’s responsible for that don’t ya? The Jews! The Jews hate grass. They always have and they always will.” LMAO

So the limo stops to pick up Kramer and Elaine. Sure enough, the jig is up. They make it to MSG to find a huge angry mob, ready to flip the limo. The episode ends with George live on national TV with the caption “Donald O’Brien – Leader of the Aryan Union.” Explain yourself out of this one, George.

The Lie: "Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union? Who is responsible for making hate-mongering and fascism popular again?"

 



There you have it folks, the tangled webs that George Costanza was capable of weaving. He is perhaps the most comedic and downright hysterical liar ever portrayed. And for that we thank him, and TBS for airing four episodes a night.